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*Inspired in part by some of the unpublished comments I received on my Get Out Of My Village post and tangentially by the hashtag #solidarityisforwhitewomen.  If you can help me come up with an appropriate hashtag, I would be grateful.

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I am so ashamed…

***

I sometimes eat candy…

I sometimes eat fast food…

I sometimes eat inorganic fruits and veggies…

I sometimes eat meat…

I sometimes eat processed meats & cheeses…

I sometimes drink soda…

I sometimes drink juice from a large company…

I sometimes drink juice that was freshly squeezed from freshly picked fruits that were delivered by a diesel truck…

I sometimes consume HFCS…

I sometimes consume sugar…

I sometimes consume grain…

I sometimes eat organic foods that have been delivered by a truck that consumes gasoline…

I sometimes drive a car that leaves a carbon footprint…

I sometimes travel in a non-solar-powered vehicle…

I sometimes travel in a solar powered vehicle that was manufactured using oil and other non-natural materials…

I sometimes dress in clothes that were made in China…

I sometimes wear clothes that were made in the USA but had to be delivered by truck to the store…

I sometimes have to dispose of garbage…

I sometimes eat at a restaurant that uses electricity that it gets from non-clean sources…

I sometimes turn on a light at home that is connected to the powergrid…

I sometimes read by candlelight from a natural wax candle that was delivered by a vehicle using fossil fuels…

I sometime heat or cool my home because the outside temperature is below 40 degrees or above 90 degrees…

I sometimes go places that are owned by major companies…

I sometimes use the internet with my computer/iPhone that were made in China or Japan…

I sometimes live in the real world…

***

I am so ashamed that I don’t live a vegan life, living on a farm where I eat only food that either I have grown without the use of fertilizers or traded with a neighbor who also didn’t use any fertilizer, wearing only clothes that have been made from materials I can collect within walking distance from my front door, woven together with a loom I made from fallen branches, never traveling by any other method other than my own two feet that are shod in shoes I or my neighbor made from only local products fashioned with tools that I made with rocks, communicating solely through face to face communication or written letters written with a stick and ink I made grinding beets and delivered by foot…

***

There’s nothing wrong with choosing to live a cleaner, healthier life.  There’s nothing wrong with encouraging others to do the same.  One should, for their own sake…for the sake of their children, strive to live healthier, cleaner, less environmentally impactful lives…

But…

But the glass house is big…I mean, it’s really, really big.

Before letting someone shame you for not living cleanly enough because you have crossed some arbitrary line he or she has chosen, ask yourself if that person has truly given up every, single possible connection to “the dirt”…here’s a hint: if they can read this, they haven’t.

You do what you can with the budget and resources you have available.

Have you ever had someone try to shame or scare you for what you were eating or doing?

#ISometimesLiveInTheRealWorld

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Oreo-Cookies-And-Milk-e1368646124688

I have a friend, MK.  He doesn’t know it, but I often call him my reality check.  I call him this because very often, when I write something without fully thinking it through (which is most of the time), he is there to intelligently present either an opposing view or even better put, a wider, more global view.  I’ve thought of him over the past several weeks as I’ve watched several friends write posts on Facebook that have essentially said, “if you eat processed food, you will die!”  While I fully encourage the concept of healthful eating, and I also believe that eating solely processed, packaged foods is not good for your long term health, I have trouble with statements like these.  They fit right in with the “worried about the cost of organic eating?  how about the cost of getting cancer? Now THAT’s expensive!”  I can’t tell you how many friends have posted that one.  The issue I take with statements like these is two-fold:

1.  Making an absolute statement like, “eating that Oreo will give you cancer, make you obese, turn you into an addict and give you diabetes” is very much like handing out “You’re Fat” notes on Halloween to kids you perceive as fat.  It’s not bullying per se, but it is still meant to make the Oreo eater feel guilt and embarrassment.  It’s not nearly as brutal nor as clumsy, but it still paints with broad brush strokes that reveal only a surface understanding of the more detailed biological mechanisms.  It is just as incomplete and can be damaging to those who blindly follow.  Let’s be clear, eating an Oreo is not going to give you cancer or diabetes or make you obese.  In fact, eating a whole package of Oreo Cookies will do none of those things either.  What “eating Oreos will make you obese, give you diabetes, turn you into an addict and kill you with cancer” lacks is the second half of a statement, something along the lines of “if that is all you eat” or “if you eat a whole package every day for months and years on end.”  There is nothing wrong with occasionally enjoying four or five Oreo cookies smashed at the bottom of a glass of whole milk…just don’t make a regular habit of it.  The phrase sugar addiction will often come into play in these discussions – the argument being that sugar is more addictive than cocaine or morphine.  Sugar addiction IS real, but again, the second half of the complete thought is almost always left off…for someThere have been studies that show sugar addiction is real in rats, and to be honest, even though there may not be specific scientific studies that show the same in humans, the unscientific (albeit occasionally misleading) eyeball test tells us a different story.  That being said, not everyone is predisposed to sugar addiction or even the side effects of sugar intake – that is something that many “experts” will either forget to mention or don’t know or even worse, willfully omit.

2.  Organic and fresh food is more expensive.  It just is, there is no way around that.  But to try to appeal to people through the “well imagine how much cancer is gonna cost you when you get it eating all that cheap, packaged inorganic crap” doesn’t take into consideration the fact that A. not all people actually have access to organic food (heck, some people in this country don’t even have easy access to fresh veggies and fruits – see Detroit) and B. some people simply can’t afford to buy all organic all the time.  For some people it becomes a choice of eating and going to bed with a full belly or eating a lot less and going to bed hungry.  I can’t claim to know what the numbers are but I’m pretty sure that constant hunger doesn’t do the brain or the prospects of longevity any favors.  What’s the cost of an underdeveloped intellect due to near starving conditions?  What’s the cost of growing up with a weak body because you couldn’t get enough calories into it due to an insistence on buying only organic?

Now don’t get me wrong.  If you CAN eat fresh veggies and fruits, and you CAN afford to buy organic, you probably should – the less chemicals and fewer packaged foods we put into our bodies the better.  But you have to balance that with a little common sense.  Our bodies are incredible biological machines.  Our cells turnover every 7 to 10 years.  Our bodies do a fantastic, albeit not perfect, job of cleaning out the waste.  Some Oreo Cookies and Milk here or some McDonald’s there or a few Snickers bars at Halloween or feeding your kids some prepared chicken nuggets now and again are not going to kill you or them, make either of you fat or cause cancer.  Occasional treats, if truly treated as treats you have occasionally, can actually be good for you mentally, and we all know that our mental health is just as, if not more, important as our physical health.

You do what you can with the budget and resources you have available.

Ultimately I believe it comes down to moderation.  If you eat a healthful diet in general, don’t let the internet health “gurus” and “experts” out there make you feel bad about hitting Burger King on a road trip or jamming a few candy bars after a big race.  Again, just don’t make it a regular habit.   I’ll admit right now, I swiped a mini Kit Kat, a mini Baby Ruth and a mini Almond Joy from my daughter’s Halloween bag to have as a snack while I wrote this blog post.  They were tasty but honestly, they will probably be the last candy of any kind I eat before Thanksgiving.  It’s not because I have some incredible will power.   I’m not fighting some urge to have chocolate.  I simply don’t crave it, and having it every now and again never changes that.

As my father has always told me, “everything in moderation” remembering of course that moderation will not work for some.

The bottom line for me is that those who write, tweet, or blog about health and fitness issues need to be careful with the size of the brushes with which they paint.  If there is one thing having an autistic daughter has taught me it is that we are all on a spectrum, and what may work for some may have the exact opposite effect on others.  Blanket statements rarely hold up under scrutiny because we are not carbon copies of each other.

We are all different.

***The one caveat I will put here is this – if you know that you have an addictive personality, or have problems with self-control, then it is probably good to avoid the cookies or the fast food altogether or at the very least keep them out of your home so you are not regularly tempted by them.  You have to know yourself – working with your strengths, protecting yourself from your weaknesses. 

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Yesterday I paced a buddy of mine to his first NYCM finish – we started strong, got knocked down around 18, but got up and finished strong.  Way to go brother!

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Dear Cheryl,

I’m supposed to be hitting the books right now.  I’m in the review stage of my studying, making sure I know what I need to know for the upcoming CSCS exam.  I cannot wait to get certified.  It’s been the big reason why I have taken a break from this blog…from writing, really.

But then I saw this today:

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Now, as many of my readers are well aware, I am a health nut – I encourage regular exercise and a diet that is well balanced, high on the fruits & veggies, low on the refined sugar and chemicals, but this I found to be completely offensive on so many levels.  Let’s forget about the fact that you should have proofread your note before printing off copies, there are so many things wrong with what you are doing:

1. You have no idea whether or not there are any underlying issues with a child who is overweight.  There could be medical issues, medication issues among others.  The child could be going through puberty, which, though a completely natural process, can wreak havoc on the body while it is happening.

2. The fact that you are giving some kids candy, but denying treats to the “fat one” is, well, mind boggling.

3. Even if a child is obese simply due to eating Doritos and Twinkies every day, singling out a child from his or her group of friends is completely inappropriate.  Which brings me to…

4.  You are, no matter how good your intentions are, a bully, plain and simple.  Through your actions you are essentially pointing your finger at every overweight child and saying, “Hey YOU!  Fat kid!  Yeah, that’s right, I called you fat, you Fatty McFatster!”  You try to dress it up with “my hope is that you will step up as a parent and…blah, blah, blah,” but scratch under the surface and you are doing nothing other than making a child feel bad about who he or she is.

For you to selectively decide which kids meet your concept of fit (and therefore deserving of candy) as opposed to those that are fat (therefore undeserving of candy) is both sanctimonious and mean.

But let’s talk about the Village concept, shall we Cheryl?  My town has recently lost two troubled souls to suicide.  What do you think is going to happen to the kids that get singled out?  Who thereafter get teased by their friends incessantly?  I’m gonna tell you something – kids who are overweight, KNOW that they are overweight.  They don’t need you to draw public scrutiny of their shape to be made aware of that.  Your actions could potentially result in a precious child taking his or her own life because you decided to bully and tease – that’s one of the possible results of bullying you self-righteous bitch.

You want to help make your village better and healthier?  How about you just turn off your porch light on Halloween and not hand out ANY candy?  How about you hand out healthful snacks that every kid will throw away to everyone?  How about you help start an after school program that encourages movement and healthful eating?  How about you volunteer at a teen crisis center?  or a homeless shelter?  or a town beautification program?

Better yet, how about you just get the fuck out of our collective Village?

We don’t need bullies.  We don’t need mean people.  We don’t need you.

Don’t be surprised to wake up on November 1st  with a lifetime supply of toilet paper in your yard…that, and maybe a year’s worth of eggs.

Good luck with your notes.

Sincerely,

Luau

 

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BRB

I know I owe you a recap of Boston 13.1 (a fantastic day) and there are so many other things I want to write about, but I have to get this CSCS certification done.  So that being said, I am going to take a little break from blogging while I focus on studying.  I’ll still post on the Facebook page from time to time, but I’ve got to limit my distractions.

Back to the books.

See you soon.

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Dear C.N.T. (Clueless Neuro Typical) Parents,

I hate to admit it, but I agree with you.  This Disney thing about the lines and the waiting?  Yup, we are on the same page.  I agree that the issue is bratty, ill-behaved kids and their lazy parents.  I’m with you that it’s about people who feel like they are entitled to go right to the front of the line.  I agree that it’s about parents who have no control over their children and take advantage of a system to cut in line in front of everyone who is patiently waiting for their turn to ride It’s A Small World or my personal favorite, the Haunted House. The parents don’t want to do the work necessary to teach their kids the lessons of patience and expected public behavior.  The kids are fidgety and noisy and have an absolute lack of self-control.  Your kids push and shove.  They cut people off, pushing others out of the way and you just smile or shrug your shoulders as if to say, “what are ya gonna do?”

Oh, wait, what?  You thought I was talking about parents of Special Needs kids?

Um, no.

This debate about special lines for Special Needs families is actually not all about those families.  This debate is about you, the C.N.T. Parent.  Why is there a special line for Special Needs families?  In part, it’s because of your clueless looks of disdain and horror when our kids flap or squeal in line.  It’s because you jump to the conclusion that if our child is flapping their arms or screaming in response to every time your child says, “Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama,” while you ignore your child, my child must be a brat or misbehaving.  It’s because your child will walk up to our child and say, “what the hell is wrong with you?” and you do nothing.  It’s the complete lack of empathy on your part and your inability to teach it to your own misbehaving, bratty children.

So when a place like Disney makes an effort to ease the discomfort for everyone (you included) by giving us our own line, you decide, “well, I deserve that too.”  So you actually go to guest services and game the system.  You actually go to guest services and say, “my child has a disability, give me my fucking guest pass.”  This, despite that fact that your child is completely typical.

This debate is not about letting Special Needs families “cut” in line.  It’s about giving them their own line because C.N.T. Parents like you didn’t want us in your line in the first place.

But it’s also about safety.  If my kid flaps to calm down, isn’t safer to let her flap in a line populated by people who understand to give her a little space as opposed to packing her with you and your unempathetic brood?

So, you’re right – these parents have to get off their asses and actually discipline their children and teach them how to behave in society, but those parents are you, the C.N.T. Parent, and those kids are yours.

Come walk in our shoes for a week during the school year and you’ll see what hard parenting work really is.

Thanks for nothing,

Luau

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Why?

So yesterday was curriculum night at Katie’s school.  I’ve gotta tell you, I really like the group of teachers she has this year.  They are energetic, dynamic, eager and they seem to genuinely care about their kids.  The night was fantastic, except for one little blip.

Those of you who follow Jess may have seen her post this on her Facebook page:

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From the very moment the social studies teacher said “three” and “why” I knew the tears were coming.  I was sitting behind Jess so I put my hand on her shoulder, hoping that I could help her keep the tears in.  It was a tough moment.

But there was something that I had forgotten to share with Jess over the past week; something that really didn’t register until that moment, sitting in the classroom; something that I had inadvertently brushed off three times.

On three separate occasions this past week, Brooke began to relentlessly ask me “why?”

We need to go to speech Brooke.
Why?
Well, because it helps with your communication skills.
Why?
Well, Ms. A helps teach you how to use certain tools so you can tell me and mama what you need or like or want to share.
Why?
Because that is her job.
Why?
Because that’s the field she chose…

Time to take a bath.
Why?
Because you need to get clean.
Why?
Because you’re dirty.
Why?
Because you played out in the sun today.
Why?
Because you’re teachers let you all out for recess.
Why?
So you could get the jigglies out…

…and on and on it went…on three different occasions…from my 10 year old daughter…and it was wonderful!

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HistoryBookHistory

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
~George Santayana

We are all mortal.  Eventually each and every one of us will die.  The only way our thoughts and beliefs will carry on once we are gone is through recorded history, whether that be in the form of the written word, photographs, digital media or even our most ancient of methods, word of mouth.  Although the world is constantly changing, seemingly hurtling headlong toward the future in faster and faster bursts, it would behoove us to look back and truly study our past.  It seems that in this day and age, when access to humankind’s rich and colorful history is the most accessible it has ever been, available to all with access to a computer and the internet, that more and more the citizens of the world give only lip service to those who came before us.

We have been charmed by soundbites, headlines and narratives fashioned by others, by those who should know better, who should act better, who should be better.  They focus on the now without truly understanding that “now” only exist because of “then”; that without “then” there would be no “now”.  But their biggest folly in ignoring the dusty pages of history is that mankind is essentially stumbling into the future with blinders on. Though no one can truly “see” the future, studying the past can at least reveal some of the pitfalls that lie ahead and help us avoid repeating the same mistakes.

The focus in the news for the past week or so has been whether or not we should bomb Syria in response to their use of chemical weapons.  It would seem that our President has stumbled through this “crisis”.  Polls show that the majority of the US is against any kind of military intervention – it’s not our business – stay our of Syria – we don’t want to get into another quagmire.  I don’t know what the right answer is, but I do wonder this – do any of the people who are so adamantly opposed to punishing Syria for its use of chemical weapons have any idea of just how horrific chemical weapons like mustard gas are?  People of my generation do not remember the horrors of soldier suffocating in the trenches; the unpredictability of a gas let loose to the wind, sometimes bringing the gas right back to the armies that had deployed it or into towns and villages in the surrounding area.

It is possible that President Obama was bailed out of this mess by an off the cuff remark by Secretary of State Kerry and an opportunistic move by Russian President Vladamir Putin.  Opponents of President Obama are howling that he has been shown up by Putin and now Russia, that paragon of diplomacy, has won and the USA has lost.  To paraphrase Jon Stewart from the Daily Show, who cares?  As long as those chemical weapons are being taken off the shelves and locked up for good, we ALL win.  Up until this point, no one else was willing to take a stand on the use of chemical weapons.  All war is horrific, but it was decided long ago that the use of chemical weapons were beyond the framework of the battlefield, were much too unpredictable, much too uncontrollable.

On the surface it might seem an odd segue to bring up the topic of vaccines, but this is the very topic that came to mind while I was watching the news coverage of the opposition to bombing Syria.  So many have begun to eschew vaccinations for fear their child might get autism or some other neurological disorder – the knee jerk reaction to a study based on bad science continually spread by bubble headed celebrities.  It has left us, all of us, more vulnerable to the horrors of disease.  People of my generation and younger do not remember little Johnny or Janey disappearing in the middle of the school year, sometimes returning with a disfigured leg; sometimes never returning at all – victim to the crippling, often lethal effects of polio. People of my generation and younger do not remember the near 30% fatality rate of measles or the sometimes resulting infertility from mumps.  We don’t see these horrors anymore because science found a way to protect us from these diseases.  Many of those horrors have been relegated to the pages of history.  We have rid the world of smallpox.  We are close to eradicating polio.

They are history.

There is a reason why those who come before us feel compelled to record their time in history.

A parent will inevitably tell his/her teenage child, “trust me, I’ve been there, done that and you don’t want to repeat the mistakes I made.”  What will the teenager do?  Exactly what the parent doesn’t want them to do.  It is the natural order of things; the circle of life – but mankind is not a teenager; governments and communities are not teenagers – they are run by adults who should know better, who should act better, who should be better.

George Santayana’s quote is worth repeating – Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

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Mad at Myself

I caught myself this morning wishing the most horrible thing – I wish our family was normal. What an awful, awful thing to think. We were sitting at breakfast at one of our favorite restaurants on our first full day of vacation.

The night had been a bit of a bust with Brooke refusing to sleep in her room with her sister. I woke up at midnight to find Brooke and Jess passed out on the couch. I moved them both to the main bed and crawled into Brooke’s bed where I lay awake for the next three hours.

Score one for sleep issues and epilepsy.

On the way to breakfast Brooke was in high anxiety alert, slipping quickly and “easily” from laughing to yelping and back again. Walking through town I couldn’t help noticing all of the “normal” families, their kids behaving or misbehaving in neuro-typical fashion.

Across the street from the restaurant, Brooke knelt down to pick a flower that was defiantly growing where the sidewalk meets the street. Jess warned her that she needed to back up because there was traffic and it was dangerous. Brooke yelped and then yelled.

I took a deep breath.

As we sat waiting for a table, Brooke began to lose the ability to cope with her environment. Jess asked for the iPad as a distraction, unaware that Katie was using it. Handing it over, Katie could not stop her pre-teen tween mind from sulking a bit.

Wasn’t this supposed to be a vacation?

I watched a family of six get seated. The kids were a bundle of voices, oscillating in volume, intensity and intent. There would be little screams from the littlest one (a baby), arguing from the older ones (maybe 9 to 11?), but it all seemed so “normal”.

And that’s when it happened. I caught myself wishing that my family could, at least for a week, even a day, be “normal”; and I hated myself for thinking that. Why couldn’t the debilitating anxiety Brooke suffers just go away for a little while? Why couldn’t she just be happy to share a room with her sister and have a “sleepover”? Why couldn’t Katie’s tween-angst be just that and not have to be peppered with having a sister she feels she can’t communicate with or even worse, who she at times resents?

As mad as I was at autism and epilepsy and tweenagedom, I was even angrier at myself for wishing “normal”.

Sitting at our table, Jess asked me what was wrong. My face had betrayed me. I waved her off. It’s nothing, I said. She didn’t believe me.

As soon as the food arrived my stomach took over, but I couldn’t stop myself from occasionally looking around, a feeling of envy creeping ever so slightly.

Breakfast done, the girls and Jess went for a walk, leaving me to pay the bill. I took a deep breath and sipped my coffee. A moment of calm amid the cacophony of a busy island restaurant. I almost began to cry.

***

That would have been the end of this sad post, but about 10 minutes later, I caught up to the girls. As we walked toward a toy store Brooke wanted to check out, Jess leaned over to me and said, “that was a little odd.”

I had no idea what she was talking about, but just as she was about to explain, a woman came up behind us, gushing to Jess, “I just want you to know that I read your page and I get so much out of your blog; I’m a teacher and your writing has been so helpful!”

And for a brief moment I thoughts maybe there is a reason for all of this.

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