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As I bolted out of the porta-potty, I thought, this is it! this is the moment! THIS is where all of the training kicks in!!! I looked up at the first of the Newton Hills almost with a smile.
You. Are. Mine. I thought.
I had been running along at a decent clip, averaging in the low 7 minute per mile range for 17 miles. My only trouble had been the urge to pee since before the start. I finally gave in to using a porta-potty when I saw one at the bottom of the first Newton Hill. I figured that this was just another star aligning to get me to my 3:10. I would have 20 – 40 seconds to relieve myself while simultaneously recovering for 20 – 40 seconds before tackling the hardest part of the course. Perfect!
So this was it! All I had to do was get through the next 2.5 miles and I would be cruising home-free on the other side of Heartbreak Hill.
I kicked it into overdrive. This was going to be cake…maybe not a tasty cake, but cake nonetheless. I had run these hills dozens of times. Not only had I run them often, I had run them late in long runs (17 miles late to be exact!). My plan was to attack the hills with speed and relax on the back sides. It had worked every time in training. EVERY TIME!
As I hit the base of the hill I shortened my stride and quickened my cadence.
Oh yeah! Showtime!
I got three, maybe five steps in, and then it happened.
I don’t know what asthma feels like. I don’t have it. I have never had a problem with it. But three, maybe five steps up that first Newton Hill, after running like the wind, after looking up at Newton “knowing” this was going to be my day, after having run those hills countless times, my lungs simply said “no”. This is what I have always imagined asthma feels like.
For the life of me, I couldn’t inhale. Whether you’re a car or a plane or a pair of legs, if you can’t take in oxygen, there IS no combustion. Every time I tried to take a breath, my airway felt blocked. I could force enough in to make an awful sound, but that was it.
No, my lungs said, We are not going to cooperate with you in this insane business you call marathon running. No, we will not assist you in achieving you goal. No, we will not let you run fast. We are done breathing.
And that was it. In one moment my day went from spectacular to miserable in the flick of a switch. My legs had felt good. My will was strong. My desire was burning. But my airways constricted and all hopes of a 3:10 or a 3:15 or even a PR (currently a 3:19:19) went out the window.
My bolt out of the porta-potty turned into a walk. A walk? Really? I mean REALLY!?! I was walking up this hill?
Every hundred yards or so I would try to start running again. At first I would start slowly and then try to build up speed. Every time I would get to what I perceived to be about an 8:00 to 8:30 per mile pace, my lungs would collapse on me again and I would be left simply trying to inhale, struggling to do what we all take for granted. I would make a sickening weeze for about 30 – 40 second as I staggered along before my breathing would become normal again. I’m surprised that I did get picked up by medical. Maybe I’m just lucky that they didn’t spot me at my worst.
For the next mile I kept thinking that it would pass. If I could just get through the next 5 minutes or so, maybe everything will reset! It didn’t pass. I struggled to 18 or 19 where I saw the medical tent. I staggered towards it. I sighed.
DNF (Did Not Finish)? Am I going to have to fucking DNF?
As I raised my foot to take another step toward medical, I thought of my little Brooke. No, I wasn’t running this race for Autism Speaks or any autism charity for that matter, but Brooke and kids like her are a source of strength for me.
My foot wavered.
Then I thought of my older daughter, Katie. I had made a promise to her when I put her, Brooke and Jess on a plane the Friday before the marathon. They were going away to Florida ahead of me and I was going to join them Monday night after the marathon. I had promised Katie that I would wear my 2011 Boston Marathon Medal on the plane and would have it around my neck when I woke her up with a kiss when I got to our hotel. How could I break that promise? If I checked into medical, there would be no medal. In addition, I wouldn’t be able to wear the commemorative jacket I had bought days earlier.
And so, I stumbled back on to the course, weezing, trying to catch my breath.
I was scared.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to quit – I wanted to quit more than I have ever wanted to quit in a marathon.
I wanted to scream and yell.
But I trudged on.
This was going to be the dreaded “Death March”.
By the time I reached mile 20, I was in a pretty dark place, and I still had Heartbreak Hill ahead of me. My lungs continued to rebel and now my feet were beginning to hurt. And that’s when I saw my dear friend Alett. She spotted me and began to cheer. I shook my head. As I staggered over to her, she said some words of encouragement, but I told her, today was not going to be my day. The running gods had given me a lemon of a marathon.
It was at that moment though when my whole attitude changed. After 2+ miles of grumbling and wallowing in self-pity, I realized that I had a choice. I could do the death march thing to the end of the race OR I could embrace what had been given me and take advantage of the fact that I still had many friends on the course waiting to see me and cheer me on. I could stumble by them in misery or take this opportunity to celebrate that I was running Boston this year and a god-damned qualifier!!!
I decided to go with the latter and started snapping pictures with every friend I could find. Click —>HERE<— to see the pics I took over the last 6 miles.
As painful as it was to keep going, and despite having bursts where I tried to finish strong only to be slapped down again by my lungs, it was a joy spotting friends and taking a minute or two to yuk it up. My only disappointment in those last few miles was that I was unable to spot a couple of friends I knew were out there and that I was unable to keep up with my friend Ty who came up behind me with less than a mile to go and tried to pull me along (I tried Ty!) – Nic, Deb, Amelia, Hadar, Yigal, Ramana, TK and Mary, despite missing you, it helped knowing you were out there!
Looking back on my splits, I’m pretty psyched I was able to stop and chat, take pictures AND keep those last miles in the 8:45 – 11:15 range.
***
So I guess the question becomes, what happened? More specifically, what caused my lungs to go asthmatic on me? I don’t know. I’ll have to do some research on that one. Maybe I was taking in too much fluid? I had been training on about 10 – 15 oz. of Gatorade per 20 miles all winter and I’m pretty sure I drank much more than that over the course of the first 17 miles. Maybe I just sucked down some liquid down the wrong pipe? I don’t know. All I know is Monday, April 18th wasn’t my day. Maybe, if I can get in, April 17th will be.
***
There are a lot of titles that went through my mind as I contemplated writing this race report:
Opportunity Lost or Falling Short (it was all there), Breathless (for obvious reasons), Karma (was there a debt to be paid for leaving a man behind at Smuttynose?), Hubris or Foolish or Greedy (was 3:10 a realistic goal? should I have been content with gunning for 3:15? would I have lost my lungs had I been running 7:24’s?)
It was, to say the least, a rough day. A day of disappointment. A day where my goal of a 3:10 marathon seemed well within my grasp. A day where I watched that goal simply disappear with a single breath.
It didn’t start out that way. In fact, when I woke up on Monday morning, I felt great. I mean, I REALLY felt great. My training had been pretty much without incident. My times had been spot on. I was ready. The weather looked like it was going to cooperate too – 50° – 60°. We were even going to have a tailwind. In addition, RaceMenu chief Alain found me right before the start and said that he was shooting for a 3:10 just like me – I thought “perfect! Someone to run with, just like Smuttynose!”
Yes, everything was lining up for an A+ effort on Monday. 3:10 was a real possibility, with a 3:15 all but in the bag! Though my morning was a bundle of nervous energy, I did manage to stay relatively relaxed on the surface. I found my dailymile friends in the Athletes’ Village, and the group of us kept each other loose with small talk and funny stories.
I was so sure that I could feel the natural speed of this group. We were almost all qualifiers, and those that were charity runners were gunning for PR’s.
Speed was in the air.
Some days you have it. Some days you don’t. Some days, like last Monday, you have it and then you lose it. I’m just glad I had the where with all to make lemonade out of lemons. And have no doubt, YOU were the sugar that made the lemonade so sweet!
The turn on to Hereford (2nd to last turn) - trying to keep it light
the turn on to Boylston - the finish line is only a few hundred meters away
Stopping to chat with 150 meters to go...
...and snap a picture! -courtesy of CAUTION:Redhead Running
less than 100 meters to go
All done - 3:37:00 - my worst finish other than Manchester. Aside from my BQ, quite possibly my most enjoyable final 6.2 miles.
Run Luau Run 
Thank you for sharing all of this so selflessly and openly. It’ll be interesting to hear the possible explanations for the breathing issues ….. I have some runner friends who struggle with exercise induced asthma ….. but whatever this was, it chose the most fickle of timing!
You definitely turned lemons into lemonade – I can only imagine the smile on your daughter’s face and your feeling of satisfaction when you greeted her with a medal around your neck!!
You rock.
I can only imagine the smile on your daughter’s face and your feeling of satisfaction when you greeted her with a medal around your neck!!
She had a huge grin on when I woke her up after midnight!
Congratulations on finishing in spite of such a discouraging change of events.
Your decision to enjoy the ride instead of embarking on the Death March sets such a good example for your children. If only we all would make lemonades when faced with lemons!
If only we all would make lemonades when faced with lemons!
The world would be a lot happier place!
First I want to say, I love that first proof. That is the one! Now, onto the race. We have talked about this before I think. Races are an any given day story. I have had races I went into confident about my training, knowing that everything was there only to be knocked flat on my ass. And then I have had races with no expectations where I have come out cutting ridiculous amounts of time off the finish. There is no telling. That being said, the breathing thing is something that has happened to me three times in my life. Each time was a shock. Nothing was different about those moments or the moments leading up to it except I could not breath. I don’t have an answer for you except to say, you are not alone. I am so glad you could make the best of it.
Congratulations on making Lemonade.
Thanks Ann! If you ever find out why, please share.
Great post Luau! I agree with Sue, you turned your thinking right around and pulled out an amazing finish. Although it may have not been physically your best finish, I dare say it was emotionally your best finish!
I did have a lot of fun in those last 6.2 miles!
🙂 you already know my thoughts on this. This race report is just one more thing that’s proves you are an amazing runner (a BQ runner at that) with a fantastic attitude! Now, when are we going to meet for drinks:).
Thanks Sarah! Appreciate it! You & Danielle could always come down for the Memorial Day Weekend Run To Remember in Boston!
Ditto to what everyone is saying and here’s my two cents. The word that comes to mind about this post is Honorable. Luau you ran an honorable race; you are an honorable man. It’s not about what happens to us but what do we do in the moment of adversity when we are taken off guard and thrown off by all that was planned and visualized. You my dear friend showed us the kind of man you are in that moment. You could have gone to the medical tent and there would have been nothing wrong with that choice – very understandable considering the discomfort you were in. But you knew you could safely override the pain and discomfort and shift focus away from your original goal to write a new ending to the 115th Boston Marathon. Thank you so much Luau for being you who you are and sharing you with the world.
This made me smile, big time!
Wow! All that trouble and still one hour faster than me. Well done.
Ah Juls, speed is all relative. There was a guy in a gorilla suit who finish a good 30 minutes ahead of me…a full head-to-toe, right out of Trading Place, gorilla suit.
I’m sorry that you had a bad run in Boston – but it’s inspiring to read about how you pulled through. It’s things like that, that mean the most in running. It’s not the easy parts that make you stronger. Still an amazing finish time, and you got to keep your promise to your daughter. Great job, Luau!
I love you, Luau. What an inspirational post! You’ll get that 3:10, no doubt. It’s just a matter of when..
As for the asthma thing, I had it coming down heartbreak as well as when I was waiting for my medal. My lungs totally shut down and I have no idea why, since I don’t have asthma.. One difference is I’ve been battling a nasty cold the last couple of weeks.. So for slow poke me, that’s probably why.. Still just a horrible feeling!
Wow, what a totally strange thing to have happen to you. I’m glad you were able to find joy in the camaraderie of the final miles. Based on your training times, it looked like you were totally on the mark for 3:10, and I’m sure you’ll get it on the next one.
I’m just gonna have to get up, dust myself off and give it another go…hopefully sooner than later.
Oh Lu… it was heartbreaking reading those last 3-4 entries. And about your goals, you met D as well as E just wanted to point that out!
I am so sad for you, but at the same time so happy you were able to turn this into something positive. Congrats, you have an amazing spirit.
thanks Lauren, and thanks for pointing out I actually achieved Goal D. 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you but I’m so glad you were able to make the best of it. I hope you figure out what happened so that it doesn’t happen again.
Lemonade – good going, Luau! Finishing is big.
You are fantastically awesome. I am but a mere slow mommy runner who can barely crank out 10 miles without keeling over (and let’s be honest, my favorite runs are 6-6-7 miles!). Given the challenges you were dealt, I am in awe of your discipline to get the job done. I am SO proud of you.
That was a great post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings – it really inspires me.
You are an inspiration to me but you know that already. You’ll get your BQ one way or another. See you in November?
It is quite likely…and I’m thinking that I am going to approach New York as a fun run. Nothing I do at New York will affect my chances of getting into Boston 2012 (I’ll know whether I’m in or not at that point), so it will be a run of yukking it up and taking pictures…maybe I’ll even tweet the whole darn time.
“I’m on a bridge”
“I’m off the bridge”
“I’m being chased by Yankee fans”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have worn my Red Sox singlet”
You’ll have your day. Be patient. Your too good and want it too bad not to get it.
Thanks Joanne. Though I am one of the oldest members of the MTV generation, just like the rest of that group, I have a hard time with patience! 😉
Luau, I was following the race from work and cheering you on. It was awesome watching you heading for that 3:10 for the first 17 miles. When the pace dropped off, I was really bummed for you, I know how hard you worked. I’ve been anxiously awaiting the report to find out what happened. I’m glad you were able to find a way to win the race anyway. But goddamn, even busted your waaayyy faster than me. You’re an inspiration.
Thanks Cuz! It was a strange day indeed. To have both one of the worst and one of the best marathon experiences simultaneously is kinda wacky!
wow. i had no idea this is what went down but what a freaking suck fest. major props to you for picking up the bootstraps and still finding a way to enjoy the day. and you will get it next time, because now you’re hungry and angry for it, more so than you were that morning!
I absolutely loved how you turned what could have been an epically disappointing day filled with anger, frustration, etc… into a memorable, fun filled final stretch. This race recap is the epitame of “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!” Love it Luau!
Luau:
Your attitude prior to the race, when I ran into you near the end of the race, and with your post race reflections is top notch. I bombed Boston but seeing you near the end was a highlight. We will come back stronger than ever. That’s what makes this sport so awesome. The agony of defeat drives us to go get back out there.
You rock!
Ty
http://www.seekingbostonmarathon.com/
We will be back Ty. I’m just sorry I wasn’t able to keep up with and push you and the end! Would have been fun crossing the finish line together!
It’s very clear to me…you WON the Boston Marathon…really you did…in so many ways. You are amazing and you have taught us all a valuable lesson. (Mind you, you need not feel compelled repeat this performance, ’cause we got it!) But you should be very proud that you have inspired us all to take disappointment when it comes and embrace it with class. Bravo!
Hey Luau,
Just thought I would throw a idea out at you… It may be possible that you had an exercise induced panic attack. The combination of the stress and excitement and expectation of such a big race along with the physical stress of a hard effort may have been enough to trigger an attack for you.
My husband had his first sever panic attack during exercise (he was going those P90X videos at home). He felt like he was unable to breath but actually hyperventilated. When we went to the hospital he didn’t need much fluids but his potassium levels were scary low and they think that had a lot to do with it.
We tend to think of panic attacks as a psychological thing but they have just as much to do with your physiology and body chemistry. Physical stress can be just as much of a factor as mental stress and on such a big race day you were dealing with both.
Maybe not too, it’s just something to consider 🙂
Take care of yourself and good luck with everything!
xoxo
Jennefer
Huh. That actually makes a lot of sense. There’s no way for me to check that though a week out, right? What did they suggest to your husband as ways to prevent it from happening again?
I was pretty amped upright before those hills.
When we went to the hospital they identified it as an anxiety attack because all other tests came back negative and the anxiety medication they gave him helped.
Anxiety attacks are such a tricky thing. If you went to your doctor now they might be able to help determine if that is likely what happened based mostly on your description of your symptoms. Even if you had gone right then it would have been mostly a process of elimination to determine if it was anxiety, it is kind of a tough diagnosis.
A couple days after we went to the hospital my husband went to see our primary care doctor. The doctor gave him some anti anxiety medication in case he has an attack like that in the future. Other than that he was mostly just given the suggestion to try to eliminate extra stress and pressure in his life in general as much as possible and keep an eye on his symptoms, come back in if he started feeling like he needed the medication regularly.
Since this happened my husband has said that looking back he knows he was dealing with anxiety on a lesser level long before this happened. That workout was just the trigger for his big attack but it had been building long before.
He hasn’t had an attack like that again. I think just knowing what was going on helped him to identify his anxiety and the symptoms and learn to deal with it better so that it doesn’t build into a full blown attack. He also just takes extra, extra care to stay hydrated and keep electrolytes in balance when he does his workouts.
I am certainly not an expert so if you think this might be what happened to you I would see your doctor and bring it up and see what (s)he says.
Don’t take this too lightly, be sure to take care of yourself and get the answer you need. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help 🙂
xoxo
Jennefer