The moment my foot hit the pavement I knew this was going to be a struggle.
***
It had been a long day of errands, housecleaning, refereeing the kids, dealing with local PTO politics, picking up dog poop, shuttling the kids back and forth services and extacurriculars…
…the family had been fed, dishes were done, the kitchen resembled a distant cousin of clean…
…the kids were tucked in, Jess was on her way to what I hoped was not a fitful sleep…
I had 10 miles in front of me.
I was tired, frustrated and beaten by the day.
***
The moment my foot hit the pavement I knew this was going to be a struggle.
***
As I almost silently moved through my neighborhood, mash ups of Journey & Lady Gaga, the Smiths & Beyoncé, Kelly Clarkson & Michael Jackson, the Rolling Stones & Adele playing through my earbuds, I thought of the Brooke’s new diagnosis of Rolandic Epilepsy; I thought of Jess and Katie and how they often reflect and amplify the stress and anxiety they each feel on a daily basis – both a blessing and a burden.
The thoughts kept rolling in and then rolling out of my head as I moved from one neighborhood to the other.
The struggle was coming.
Just as I reached the other side of our town center, I hit 2.5 miles – halfway to halfway I thought. The next 2.5 miles would be on a straight, hilly stretch of road – one of my favorite places to run.
As the tunes kept playing, my mind kept wandering. What happened to the fairy tale? Why are all three of my girls struggling so much? Why do they have to struggle? Why does everything have to cost so much? Where are the answers? I attacked the hills as if THEY were the issues my girls were dealing with. If only it were so easy.
***
As I rapidly approached the mile 5 marker of my run, the struggle came – what if I just kept going? what if I just kept running? what if I didn’t turn around? what if I just ran forever?
Part of me, the boy in me, the 16 year old without a care in the world wanted to just run; run for the hills; run into the proverbial sunset; run away with the circus…
Yes, the moment my feet hit the pavement I knew this was going to be a struggle – this point in time. As my watch beeped to tell me it was time to turn around I thought of Forrest Gump…
…Run Forrest Run…
…Run Luau Run…
…run away…
…just run away…away…away…
***
I let the fantasy linger for a moment…
…no responsibilities, no demands, nothing but the open road and the sound of my two feet softly beating in rhythm beneath me…
***
…and then I turned for home.
Home…where I am needed, where I am loved, where I belong.
Run Luau Run 
I think you are not alone… I believe everyone on certain days just wants to keep “running” ❤
I don’t know why but this post brought me to tears..actually I do know why,it hits so close to home. The Autism,the co-conditions,the anxiety that both myself and my almost 8 year old daughter deal with on a constant basis and the fleeting feelings of wanting to be able to run away. Thanks for being so candid.
…but love always brings us back.
Well, yeah – all of that. One of the songs on my playlist is “Run for the Hills” and one of the extended lyrics is “run for your life.” Sending hugs to all of the Wilson clan, dear friend. {{hugs}}
Oh and the dog poop..lots of that around here with our two pups;)
I can relate to this more than any post I have read in a long time. I don’t have children to care for yet, or the responsibilities that you do. But I know the feeling of going for a run and wondering what it would be like to just keep going. When we’re out on the run, there are no bills to pay, no one to answer to, no one controlling things except us, and it’s a very amazing feeling. But you’re right you are needed and belong at home, your family is lucky to have you. We can dream of no responsibilities and some sense of freedom, but at the end of the day I’d take my crazy hectic life over anything. That’s one of the great things about running, it allows us to step back and see things from a different perspective and then when were done, go back to reality knowing that we are right where we are supposed to be.
…and the truth is, there is a reason that those dreams are just that…dreams; because we are able to strip away or skip all those things we want to temporarily avoid…and you’re right – the crazy hectic life is what makes us who we are; strengthening us, molding us, hopefully making us and those around us better in the long run.
I like to start my day with a run, rather than end it with a run. Far less thoughts and baggage to carry with me.
What kind of dog do you have?
I like to do that do – but the night runs sometimes serve a therapeutic purpose, allowing me to leave some of that baggage out on the road…and the dogs? One is a Cavalier King Charles (mostly) and the other is a Puggle.
And they say women are the emotionally charged over thinkers, ha. Guess you just proved that wrong. Oh and I love the “my three girls” part.
A day at a time, or hour or minute Matt.
sometimes even one second at a time, right?
Thank you for your most honest and beautiful post…..all I can say is me too. I know those days of wanting to run away from it all. Sometimes I just take a “me day”. My job is likes yours. I run the household. I call myself the COO….Chief Operating Officer. My husband and I joke that I am the Big Cheese here at our house. So sometimes when getting a break is what I need I create a “staycation” day for myself. I work hard I deserve a day off. So I create it. For me it is going back to sleep after the kids are off to school, getting a pedicure or a massage. Ok, you might not want the pedicure, but I am sure you get the idea. I shove my “To Do List” and the stress of having a child with special needs and seizures to the side and I just take care of me for the day. Everything is still there when I get back, but I feel like it won’t crush me anymore. just a thought. Again, thank you for the very open and honest post.
Hmmm…maybe I need to try this pedicure thing! Just not at any of the local salons…wouldn’t want to cause a stir! 😉
I haven’t commented in a while but I am still reading when I can. This post brought tears to my eyes. I, too, have felt like *running away* during a run but love is what turns my feet towards home. You are human and sometimes life can just be too much, but that is why we have *running*, right?
The cheapest kind of therapy!
Thank you, Luau. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being there for our girls. I’m glad you turned around and ran home.
Love you,
Mom
I have the same thoughts when things are tough. But like you I turn around and run home because I know I would miss them way too much.
Sorry but I have a hard time understanding why you are not working outside the home also. Your girls are not babies anymore and are in school full time. Most people go back to work at this point. Your wife also seems to mention the cost of things and often conveys on her blog how her life is stressful working full time. I do agree one parent should be home with kids when they are babies/toddlers, but once they are in school both should work if it is financially needed.
That’s a pretty bold statement…and just who would be taking the little one to her various after school services like Speech and Social Pragmatics among other things? If I just “went back to work” in any old job, ultimately, would I not be paying for expensive childcare so that I can work? Not a lot of high paying jobs out there that let you control your own hours. I wonder if you’ve read either of our blogs regularly because I do happen to be working toward re-entering the workforce – it will be a career that allows flexibility so that I can be available to both Brooke and Katie when I am needed.
I work from home for the same reasons Luau. The pay is not as much as if I worked outside my home . Sometimes the sacrifice and the struggle is what is needed for our Kids . The wingmans job is important they are the ones who do all that is needed to help our kids navigate .
One hundred years from now
It will not matter
What kind of car I drove,
What kind of house I lived in,
How much I had in my bank,
Nor what my clothes looked like.
One hundred years from now
It will not matter
What kind of school I attended,
What kind of typewriter I used,
How large or small my church,
But the world may be …
a little better because…
I was important in the life of a child
I feel like just running away sometimes my self.