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Last night I went to bed around 11PM. My alarm was set for 4:10.  I was planning on a 12-mile run, 7 miles of which would be run at half-marathon pace.  I had  even programmed my new Garmin Forerunner 610 to monitor my heart rate to make sure I was running the proper zones.

Unfortunately my plans didn’t work out so well.  At around 12:30AM I woke up and for the life of me could not get back to sleep.  The last time I looked at the clock before finally drifting off was 2:30AM.

Ugh!

3 hours of interrupted sleep before a 12-mile run is not smart.  When my alarm went off I simply turned it off and rolled over.  This was the smart move, but as I drifted off again I wondered how I would feel in the light of day.  Would I be disappointed that I didn’t even try? Would I be mad that I had been awakened in the middle of the night?  Would I even care?

What’s really weird is that I think it made me more motivated.

It did make me mad, but not in the “I’m so angry” kind of way – instead, I was happily mad.  It was almost like a flame coming back to life.  I was disappointed, but instead of moping about it, I was simply excited about the next opportunity I would have to run.

Last night I was half-excited about the run (mostly because I wanted to see how well the Forerunner 610’s programmable workouts functioned.  But this morning, as I made breakfast for my girls (who are home for summer vacation) I found that I was REALLY excited about my next run (whatever that may be).  In the end, I will probably miss my 12-miler.  Tomorrow is supposed to be a 5 mile recovery run followed by 20 – 21 on Sunday and despite wanting to try out the bells and whistles of my new toy, I am even more amped to hit the road for a long run on Sunday – no sense in me blowing myself up tonight with a hard 12.  As Coach Caleb always says, don’t try to make up for a missed training run. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

I am really excited about running both tomorrow and Sunday.

Strange that missing a workout actually serves as motivation to get back out there and just GO! Who would have thought that would happen.


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Cycles.

Everything moves in cycles and that includes our motivation. Sometimes the speed of the cycles is steady, sometimes it varies.

As some of you know, my mojo has been at a nadir for some time now. I have been unable to get myself going – there’s always a half-decent excuse, which is great if you believe in half-decent excuses…unfortunately, I do not.

But this week I do feel it coming back.  It’s a trickle, but I can feel it, building slowly.

Two things have helped move me along.

  1. On Sunday I was fortunate enough to receive a Garmin Forerunner 610 as a Fathers’ Day gift.  (inevitable review to follow).
  2. Yesterday, a free pair of Brooks’ Green Silence – I won them by winning my buddy Doug’s —>36K for Miracles virtual race <— – arrived in the mail (another inevitable review to follow).

On Monday, though normally a rest day, I had to take the watch out for a test run.  Tonight or tomorrow (whenever I can squeeze in the time – school letting out has thrown the schedule out of whack) I will be taking the Green Silence for a test run as well.

I am working my way back to my marathon training (I had better! there are just over 5 weeks to go) after 10+ days off.  The Mojo ain’t flowing freely just quite yet, but these two items have provided an external spark that I think are just the trick for getting me back on track.  My mind is taken off of the fact that my self-motivation is low and focused squarely on my two new toys.

Which brings me to what I have been preaching since the inception of the blog (if not longer) – by whatever means possible get yourself moving one way or another and then let momentum/inertia take over.  If it takes an external push to get going, fine! Use it until the internal engine kicks in.  It’s like a stick-shift car with a dead battery – get some friends to push the car, pop the clutch, finally get the engine started and then you’re off.

I’ve got the car in gear, clutch engaged, and am slowly rolling down the hill.

Will my Mojo in a Box work?  If I pop the clutch, will the engine start?

Check back next week.


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Symmetry

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A big, fat 0.

That’s the number of miles I have run in the last 7 days.

0.

Zip.

Nada.

I’m definitely starting to get a little grumpy.

But now I am battling myself on two fronts.  The fire, that internal engine is still stuck in neutral; motivation to train is at a low; but even if the desire were back, I am now facing an issue of pain in my right heel, my right knee and right hip.  The latter two, I am convinced, are offshoots of the first.

Not to get too graphic, but a callused part of my heel decided couple of weeks ago to crack. That has led to a sharp pain in my heel, which has led me to alter my gait, which I am convinced has thrown off the fine-tuning on my right leg.  It doesn’t help that my right leg has always been noticeably smaller than my left, that I am weaker on the right side.  My symmetry has always been a little off, but this cracked heel has thrown everything way off balance.

Those aches and pains that have kept my motivation down these past several weeks are waxing, not waning.

It is not the expected result of rest.

I’m going to have a serious problem if things don’t turn around in the next week or two.  I still believe I can be ready for my next marathon on 5 weeks training, maybe even 4, but the last time I tried to fake my way through on anything shorter (my first marathon), the result was frozen quads at mile 20.  At least if it happens at Around the Lake, I’ll be no more than a mile and a half from the finish.

Ugh.

I hate this feeling.

My motivation may be in the crapper right now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to run.

I.

Want.

To.

Run.

I want to sweat, I want to breathe hard, I want to feel spent.

It is my therapy.

Hopefully the heel heals soon and a modicum of symmetry is returned to my body.  I really think that once I stop limping, the knee and hip will right itself.

At least that’s my hope.

I hope I’m right.


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I am running – pounding the treadmill.

My demeanor is calm, almost stoic, but I am sinking.

Sweat is dripping out of every single pore of my body. I am drenched. The display of the treadmill is spattered.

I’m waiting…waiting for the endorphins to kick in; waiting for the wave of “feel good” to wash over me and wash away the troubles of the day, the 1000 paper cuts that are threatening to bleed me out. I wait, and when I feel like I’ve waited long enough, I double-down and pick up the pace. The sweat continues to pour out of me, now like a leaky bucket losing water.

My breathing becomes labored and yet, I am still calm, stone-faced and waiting.

When the endorphins finally kick in, it is almost anti-climactic.

Yes, I feel good.

Yes, there is some release of tension.

But there is an underlying sense of dread, of sadness, of disappointment, of loneliness.

Something is not right. There is still a weight upon my chest, my shoulders, pressing down. The immediate world around me is no longer bending to my will. The destiny of me and my family no longer seems to be in my hands.

***

I think about Brooke’s future a lot. I know that any parent thinks about their child(ren)’s future, but when you have a child with special needs, like Brooke has, those concerns get multiplied. What roadblocks will autism throw up against her as an adult? as a teenager? as a tween? next week? It doesn’t seem to stop. A few weeks ago we had a scare that Brooke might be suffering from brain seizures (nearly 1/4 of kids on the autism spectrum will at some point suffer a seizure of some sort). She had been rolling her eyes into her head sometimes at a terrifying rate of 10 – 15 times per minute. In the end, after an EEG and an evaluation, it was determined that she was not suffering from seizures, but rather a motor tic associated with autism.

Not that I would have wanted it to be a brain seizure, but I thought, “Great, just one more thing that is going to make it difficult for her. Great!” Fortunately the eye rolling has subsided immensely. I now see her do it maybe 10 times in a day as opposed to 10 times in a minute.

That, along with a few other factors related to Brooke, have taken their toll I think. My sleep has suffered. My running has suffered. My motivation to do ANYTHING has suffered. I have been sinking slowly in a quicksand that has threatened to swallow me up.

***

But then last night I was thrown a rope.

Jess and I went to listen to a talk given my Autism Speaks Chief Science Officer Geri Dawson. She spoke on the state of science and research in the field of autism – where we were, where we are and where we just might be going in the not-so-distant future. Jess is much better at conveying events, so I will leave it to her to elaborate on the talk, but I will tell you this – we were sitting with Mrs. SGM, a military wife/mother of a little one with autism. At the end of the talk, Mrs. R went up to Dr. Dawson and told her that this was the first time she had been to something like this where she walked away with a sense of hope – a true sense of hope.

That is exactly how I felt.

It took those words for me to realize that my “hope” had been waning over the past few months. It was more of a general deterioration of my hope for the future. As the economy continues to struggle and town budgets get tighter, administrators eye more and more the funds spent on a child like Brooke. Long-term views are replaced by short-sighted ones. It’s happening everywhere and our community is no exception. So my hope for Brooke had taken a beating.

Until last night.

What she said will not impact the budget issues each town faces, but as I listened to Dr. Dawson speak, I was lifted by the possibility that big breakthroughs are right around the corner – that there may be a time, relatively soon, when Brooke’s autism won’t demand so much attention, so much manpower. My hope for a truly independent adult Brooke was reborn.

***

And with that, a certain amount of weight was lifted off of my chest. This morning I woke up just after 4AM and went for my run (10 miles, putting me over 1,000 miles for 2011!). There was the usual dragging my butt out of the comforts of my bed, but there wasn’t the sense of defeat and dread that has accompanied the moment of consciousness this past month or so.

Did Dr. Dawson’s talk resolve the issues we are currently dealing with now? No. Not even a little. BUT, as I look out over the horizon of time, I can see the storm clouds starting to break. The skies aren’t quite as dark or threatening and I think I see some sunshine coming through.

Thank you Dr. Dawson and Autism Speaks for inadvertently throwing me a rope and bringing back the sun.

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it’s all right

-The Beatles


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This is the second time an Autism Speaks scientist has pulled me out of my funk. I had the pleasure of also seeing Dr. Tager-Flusburg again last night.

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I’ve run 15 miles this week.  All at once, late at night. That’s it.

I just haven’t been able to get my butt up and out in the morning.  There have been excuses – Tuesday morning’s 13-miler I skipped because I was recovering from Sunday’s half-marathon race.  Yesterday’s 5-mile recover run I skipped because I had run 15 miles late the night before and then I ran out of time later in the day.  Then I couldn’t get out of bed for this morning’s 10-miler because, well, because I had a headache and was tired.  Really?  A headache?  and because I was tired?

Where has my mojo gone?

When the alarm went off at 4AM this morning, I rolled over and went back to sleep.  I dreamed about the Around the Lake Marathon coming at the end of July.  But the dream wasn’t about excitement.  No, despite the race being almost 2 months away, I dreamed that it was 10 days away and I was telling myself I needed to be tapering and NOT running the 10-miler I missed this morning.  What the Hell does that mean?

Motivation is low and I don’t know why.  I can’t even get the Run To Remember race report done (and I love writing race reports).

Dude, where is my mojo?

Maybe it’s the change of seasons.  Maybe it’s the other crap going on in every day life that is starting to creep in.  Maybe it’s the R-Un-Apture? Maybe I just need to run it out.  Whatever the reason and solution, if you see my mojo in your travels, please tell it it is missed and needs to come home.  I miss my morning runs.

Have a great weekend everyone.  Whether you are racing or training, run strong and run happy.


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Spring of 1992 was the last time I remember being Angry.

Yes, I’ve been mad about things many times since, but not since that Spring have I been truly, blindly, enraged.

I have a pretty long fuse – probably longer than most people’s (maybe too long).  I don’t tend to get Angry – I mean really Angry.  “angry” yes, “Angry” no.  When “angry Luau” makes an appearance, it can be unsettling, not just for me, but for those around me who, for the most part, never see that side of me.

After studying Kung-Fu as a youngster for over 10 years I learned a few things, but two things apropos to today’s post were 1.)the need to stay calm and 2.)fear of what would happen if I didn’t.  During those 10+ years, I got very good at what I did.  I have spent a lifetime since avoiding physical confrontation for fear that in the midst of anger, I would do something that I would regret for the rest of my life.  Twice in my early 20’s, things got out of hand, people got hurt, I swore to be more disciplined.

Recently, we (my family) have had to deal with some things, some people that have really tested my fuse.  There have been moments when I have come close to losing it, but the remnants of my training have prevailed.

What does this have to do with running?

Everything.

I have not actively practiced Kung-Fu in almost 20 years.  Any martial artist will tell you that when push comes to shove, the muscles remember, but I have not had the benefit of the daily workouts, the daily meditations, the daily focusing – that is, until I discovered running a little over two years ago.

Much like the martial arts, regular running is about discipline – whether you are a marathoner, a road racer or you run simply for the health benefits, running regularly is about focusing, achieving and getting the body to push its limits, to do something that you would not normally do in today’s society (a sad topic for another post someday).  When taking it up to the marathon level, running can also be about maintaining a certain level-headedness when every fiber in your being is telling you to stop.

As much as Kung-Fu helped me lengthen my fuse over the course of 10 years when I was younger, running has done the same over the last 2.  The discipline obtained from running 20+ miles many times over has carried over into my non-running life, the part that must remain calm when anger is trying to rear its ugly head.

I still fear anger, as I did when I was younger.

Though I do not like to run angry because of the heightened potential for injury, I do find that running is a great outlet for those negative feelings.  The rhythmic beat of running is conducive toward a meditative state that allows one to work through the anger without letting the anger grab hold of your core – much like the meditation sessions we would have in Kung-Fu class.  Running also provides a heightened physical state that allows one to have the physical reaction of anger in a controlled way, sweating away the negative energy.

I have been mad and angry these past couple of weeks, bordering on Angry – people do crappy things; but running has kept me grounded.  Running has kept me focused.

***

Sadly, running has not stopped me from feeling overwhelmed at times.  Running has not stopped the tears – in fact, there have been runs that ended in tears as the emotion of trying to understand why some people do what they do pours out with my sweat and eventually gets to me.  But the running I do has channeled the potential Anger, harnessed it and used it for the power of good (specifically and hopefully taking me to a BQ-5*).

***

Whether it is running or swimming or biking or boxing – hard, physical exertion can go a long way toward managing, channeling and potentially harnessing negative emotions like anger, much like Tai-Chi.  With the path our lives took over the past few years, Lord knows what kind of person I would have evolved into had I not discovered running.  The outlet that running has provided has been a Godsend.

I may not be a religious man, but Lord, I want You to know I am thankful.  Thank you for the gift of fleet feet, emotional running and cleansing sweat.

*A BQ-# is the new designation I have seen floating around due to the new rolling registration for the Boston Marathon – the different levels being BQ-20 (qualifying by more than 20 minutes), BQ-10, BQ-5 and BQ.  The higher the number, the more likely you will have the opportunity to register.  My goal this summer is to achieve a BQ-5 so that I may register for Boston on the 5th day of registration as opposed to the second week where there is the possibility that registration will already be closed.

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Last Monday night I went to the Sox game.  I went with one of my best friends, who was in from Texas.  The game itself was miserable at first.  The Sox, who had finally reached .500 a quarter of the way into the season quickly went down 6 – 0 early to the Orioles.  In the end however, the Sox battled back and eventually won on Adrian Gonzalez’s walk-off hit off of the Green Monstah.  During the game I downed 4 hot dogs, an Italian sausage with peppers and onions, a few beers and two larges slices of pizza (one pepperoni and one veggie) – I was a junk food eating machine.

What the hell does this have to do with running?

Hold on.  I’m getting there.

The game was nearly 4 hours long, ending after 11PM.  I dropped my buddy off at his hotel and didn’t get home until close to midnight.  By the time I fell asleep, it was nearly 12:30AM.  Not good on a school night.

When the alarm went off at 4AM, I felt like crap.  I mean, I really did not feel good.  The food and the beer had done some very funky things to my system, and my whole body was rebelling against me.  As I struggled to the bathroom to change, my stomach gurgled, my head pounded and my gut just hurt.

I put on my running clothes and stared into the mirror.

What are you doing, man?

I had no answer.  So I started to take my running clothes back off to head back to bed.  As I began to take off my shorts though, I thought, when am I gonna make up the mileage? I had 12 miles on the schedule and honestly, there was nowhere else in the week to put them without throwing the whole training week off.  So as crappy as I felt, I pulled the shorts back up and staggered downstairs for a run.

I lay on the ground to stretch and closed my eyes.  The room felt off-center, tilted.

This is NOT going to be good.

I took a deep breath, decided to skip the stretching, skip the outside and just hit the treadmill.  At least this way, if something went terribly wrong I could run to the bathroom to throw up instead of on some neighbor’s lawn.

The first few miles were tough.  My legs were still a bit beat up from my impromptu attack on Heartbreak Hill on Sunday.  Combine that with the processed food hangover and the mild alcohol headache and it was a perfect mixture of nausea and pain.

FUN!!!

Within minutes I was sweating.  At the time I wasn’t sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.  Normally when I run, I don’t start to sweat for a good 10 – 20 minutes.

This was too soon.

But I quickly realized that as I sweated more and more, I began to feel better and better.  As painfully slow as the first 6 miles felt, I could feel myself purging the toxins out of my body with each step, with each drop of sweat.  By the time I reached mile 7, I was in cruise control, covering the last 5 miles feeling great and refreshed.

And so I was able to take on the rest of the day much differently than had I gone back to bed.  I am sure that if I had given in to the siren call of my pillow (and believe me, my pillow sings beautifully), I, along with anyone else who falls victim to those dreaded singing bird women, would have spent the whole day feeling like a big pile of poo.  Instead, I was able to flush the toxins out of my system and actually enjoy my day – refreshed, purged, cleansed.

The next time you drink a little too much or eat too much processed food-substitute, think about curing that hangover with a run.

It works!


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My brother-in-law, RB, emailed me a few days ago.  He had decided that this was the year he was going to scratch “Run a Marathon” off of the bucket list.  He came to me looking for a little advice on the how and what to do over the next several months.

I essentially wrote back with the following list plus a link to Hal Higdon’s Novice Marathon Training Plan:

  • Your goal in this marathon will be to “just finish”.  Currently your base of 18 – 20 miles per week means that you need to concentrate on the distance of the marathon as opposed to speed.
  • Your most important workout every week will be your long run.  You can skip the shorter runs here and there, but you shouldn’t miss more than 2 long runs for the whole training cycle.  And you CANNOT miss your two longest runs (18 and 20).  Those two runs are key to giving you the mental confidence of finishing a marathon.  There will be a point in the marathon when you want to quit, but if you have these two long runs under your belt, you will be able to draw on the experience of running them and finish.
  • Your long runs should also be run a little slower than what you are used to running (10% – 20% slower than what you anticipate your marathon pace to be).  If you don’t know what your pace will be, just make sure you are running at a pace where you could carry on a conversation (at least for the first 14 – 16 miles).
  • If you have the desire, join a running social network like dailymile.com.  It’s an easy way to keep track of your training and I could hook you up with a lot of my running friends who would give you support throughout your training.
  • Running shoes.  Whatever shoes you believe you will be running the marathon in, use them for your long runs.  And then get a fresh pair of the same shoes maybe 4 weeks before marathon time and do maybe 4 or 5 runs in them to break them in.  Your feet will thank you.

When I first started running regularly, I leaned a lot on my friend MK.  He was and is a huge wealth of knowledge.  Unfortunately, when I first decided to give the marathon distance a try, neither one of us had run a marathon yet.  I wish I had had the resources I have now at my disposal.

So with that said, I would like to ask you, my readers, specifically those who have run marathons, to help me out.  Whether you are a serial marathoner (as it seems I am turning into) or a one-time marathoner who is just happy to get the race off of the bucket list, I would like to elicit what advice you would have given yourself when you first set off to conquer this magical distance, knowing what you know now.

My hope is to make RB’s first experience of 26.2 miles an positive one.

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I got two hours of sleep on Monday night.  There was no good reason really.  I turned out the light at around 11:30 and then proceeded to toss and turn for then next two and a half hours.  When the alarm went off at 4AM, I hesitated briefly before rolling out of bed.  9 miles later I was ready to start the day.

Tuesday night I was up past midnight.  This time, there was good reason.  A friend had turned 50 and we were out celebrating.  Again, when the alarm went off at 4AM, I hesitated before rolling out of bed.  Several Stoli Doleys and beer definitely had taken their toll.  Still, I forced myself down the stairs and 11 miles later, I was again ready to start the day.

And again, last night, for no good reason, after falling asleep around 10 or so, I woke up close to midnight and couldn’t sleep for a couple of hours.  When the alarm went off at 4AM, I really thought about putting off “just this one workout”.  Instead, I dragged myself down the stairs and 11 miles later, I was ready to start the day.

In all three cases before I put one foot in front of the other, all I wanted to do was reset the alarm for two hours later and go back to sleep (forget the snooze button!).  Wednesday’s morning run brought the additional bonus of feeling slightly woozy and hung over.

Fun!

I don’t tell you the mundane details of my training to a.)let you know what I’m doing or b.) toot my own horn.

No.

The reason I share this is because of what happened after I started.  Each run started with stiff legs and a groggy head.  Each looked to be headed for a miserable time, either due to lack of sleep or the effects of vodka, beer and pineapple juice.  But each run turned around quickly.  As tired as I was, within a few mile, my mind was alert and the legs loose.

There was a pep in my step.

Jess says that I often look very self-satisfied in morning when I come back upstairs to shower after my early morning runs.

You know what?  Even on so little sleep, I am.  I am self-satisfied.

The blood flow, the endorphins, the miles banked and the knowledge that I’m over 1,000 calories in the hole add up to a very self-satisfying feeling.  And that feeling generally lasts all day.  Maybe that’s why I have a resting pulse of 38 – I’m happy and relaxed.

But there’s a price to be paid to get to that happy and relaxed state.  You must battle inertia every morning.  You must battle the urge to hit the snooze button and roll back over to go to sleep.  You must battle the first few mile to reach that flow.

At 4AM that price looks like $1,000,000.00, but if you can get through it, you realize in retrospect that the price was a.)more like $1 and b.) well worth it.

I don’t normally go on only 2 – 4 hours of sleep a night.  Usually it’s about 5 – 6, but what this week reminded me of was that running, or any exercise for that matter, can be just as energizing as sleep.  You just have to be willing to fight through the inertia.

Did you pay the price this morning?


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The Joy

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With all the “what went wrong” and “what could I have done” and “what will I do” posts over the last two weeks, I was told in passing by my friend Brendan that I was analyzing my Boston Marathon race to death. The tone in his comment was not critical or even one of “hey, earth calling Luau” – it was simply matter of fact.

And he’s right.

Inadvertently, he reminded me that the running is not necessarily about the race or the analysis, but rather, it is about The Joy!

The benefits of the Runner’s High are well documented. So are the health benefits one gets from running; as are the psychological ones; and to a lesser degree, the intellectual ones.

What Brendan reminded me of is the joy of simply being active.  All of the benefits mentioned above come after a certain amount of time on your feet. To achieve them, you have to work – sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.

The Joy however is that feeling you get while you’re slipping on your shorts and then into your shoes, and then finally as you are stepping out the door.  That anticipation of movement, of sweat, of earned endorphins, of that feeling of “spentness”

I love that feeling – that sense of joy, that sense of knowing you are about to bring the pain and it is going to hurt so good.

I haven’t forgotten the Joy while I have been dissecting my 2011 Boston. In fact, the Joy has been, in part, what has kept me sane, allowing me to continue to have the desire to run despite the disappointment and analysis.

Well, after Brendan’s comment, the analysis is done, the disappointment is harnessed.

Yes, it is back to training; yes it’s back to numbers – The Around the Lake Marathon is less than 12 weeks away.  But this cycle is going to be about The Joy!

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