It happened in what felt like an instant. With family and friends visiting, we were all playing, laughing, chatting in the backyard. I think Brooke must have been maybe 4 years old. At that point we were a relatively newly diagnosed family. Jess and I were a bit overwhelmed by the sudden, almost complete opacity of our now uncertain future.
One moment we were all yucking it up, the kids running about, and the next moment it was, “where’s Brooke?”
The conversation stopped.
Someone asked the other children if they knew where Brooke was – blank stares.
Within seconds several of us were bolting to the other side of the house, which is where we found her, maybe 3 or 4 feet from the street, completely unaware of the dangers in front of her.
The next day I called a guy about putting in a fence, which we had in place within a week.
***
It could happen to anyone. As parents, we have all had that moment of panic, that moment of where’s my baby? 99.999% of the time, we find them, oblivious to the unintentional scare they have put us through.
Whether or not a child is autistic, if the stars line up just so, something like what happened to Mikaela Lynch and her family could happen to anyone. It happened again this weekend in South Florida where we lost a young boy to wandering and then drowning.
Some people have had the nerve to call into question the parenting skills of those kids’ mothers; that they should have been watching them at the time, as if they should have known that that was the moment. Last week I responded to some of those people by asking them to a) take some time to actually walk in the shoes of the parents they were bashing and b) remember that the First Amendment must be tempered by the Two (Yes, TWO!) Commandments.
A lot (A LOT!) of our kids are escape artists on a Houdini-like level. We can put up gates and locks and other barriers, and our kids, with their unique perception of the world around them, can see the invisible, gaping hole we have left for them to walk through. We can buckle ’em down in car seats six ways to Sunday, and they will still be able to squirm their way out like master contortionists.
Until we learn, or at least make a genuine effort, to see the world through the eyes of autistic people, our children will always see our own deficits as security experts.
***
Does that mean we need to watch our kids 24/7?
Sure…
But I defy anyone who says they can or do.
Is there anyone who can honestly say they are capable of that? And if you think that you are capable of watching your child 24 hours a day, then do it after a week of daily meltdowns in public, less than 3 hours of sleep a night and hours of personally working as your child’s ABA therapist because you have to. If you don’t take a calculated moment to breath here and there, then at some point, you WILL break – it’s not a question of if, but when. Add to that the complete isolation from extended family and those once considered friends that many parents face and the parental duties become that much harder.
That’s why we take 30 seconds to pee in private or walk inside for less than a minute to sip a cold mug of coffee or step outside just to take a breath – those micro-breaks are what keep us from breaking, and 99.999% of the time nothing happens and the world keeps chugging along.
***
There should be no judging or bashing of Mikaela’s family, her mother Bari in particular.
None.
Because it happens.
For so long society has brushed our kids and our families under the rug, into the closet so to speak. Organizations like Autism Speaks have raised national awareness of autism, but that awareness, that understanding is still rudimentary. Until society as a whole understands what it is many of our families go through on a monthly, weekly, daily, even hourly basis, they will continue to judge without compassion. In this age of social media and digital news/reporting/blogging, it is a lot easier to spread negative, unsubstantiated stories without taking a moment to think about the consequences (or the truth for that matter).
Our community is with you Bari – we will not judge you; we will not bash you. Mikaela could have been any of our kids; you could have been any of us; and when something happens to one of us, it happens to us all. We have nothing but love for you.
It could have been her…
Run Luau Run 
I wasn’t aware of her story until I read your post – and the latest has it shaming the family that she was gone for 30 minutes…. a few weeks ago, the sheriff’s office and several fire departments were dispatched for a neighbor’s neurotypical child who ran away in a 10 minute window – he was found safely nearby sleeping in a sleeping bag. I think I’ve experienced that panic in under 3 minutes if we’re at a race expo or children’s museum – our curious kids have their own agendas. This comes down to victim blaming – we feel safer if we can check off the boxes and separate ourselves from the pain which also isolates the victims. We are all connected. It could be my family too –
Perfectly written! and you are correct – it is OUR community!
Exactly! In some areas police, fire dept, etc are on board about knowing our kids exist and being aware. Unfortunately that is not the case where we live. Locally the solution is to get home security. They don’t understand – and well, our kids go places – we don’t keep them at home locked up. There is tons of work to be done and I am working on it…
ALL children can escape in the blink of an eye! One minute you’re looking right at them and the next second panicking as you seem to have completely lost sight of them. Of course, parents should keep an eye on their children but in all honesty 24 – 7 is impossible. Thank goodness nothing happened to the little one and she didn’t go into the street.
The amount of times I scared the crap out of my mom when I was a kid by being ‘houdini’ is astronomically high. Does that make her a bad parent, nope, does it make me a bad kid nope. I was a kid, as others are. There are times when I look at things that happen in the news and can see ways things MAY have been prevented but most of the time, it doesn’t matter. Things happen regardless of how many preventative measures we take. Placing the blame on a parent is helping NO ONE, that doesn’t teach anyone anything, nor does it change what happened.