I have been avoiding the topic. All day today, I have turned on the local sports radio stations only to immediately change the station so I don’t have to think or hear about it. I’m not sure why, but on this day, of all days, I do not want to talk about the Boston Marathon bombing.
Maybe I’m sticking my head in the sand.
Maybe I’m trying to convince myself I’ve moved on.
Maybe I don’t want to join in a one day conversation that does nothing but dredge up bitter memories, only to have everyone else move on to the next topic tomorrow.
I was not on Boylston when the two bombs went off 365 days ago. It was the first time in several years that I wasn’t running as either an official entrant or a pacer for a friend. I felt feel a mixture of relief and guilt not being there.
I still feel anger toward to two extremists who tried to crush the spirit of Boston. I still feel sadness for those who were lost or permanently injured.
When I run now, there is a tinge of guilt,
a smattering of anger,
a swath of sadness…
a dose of…
fear.
I’ve tried my best to suppress it all, but it all lingers, out there, waiting…
The talk on the radio today just brings it all back – brings back the anger, the fear…the suspicion. I can’t look at someone with a backpack now without wondering, “who do you pray to? to a loving deity? a vengeful deity? are you a jihadist? a crusader?”
***
I don’t know if I will be able to make it to the course this Monday to cheer on the runners of the 2014 Boston Marathon. Babysitting issues aside, even if I were able, I’m not sure I would go…
…not out of fear…
…not out of anger…
…not out of sadness…
…not out of guilt…
…or maybe it is all of those things.
One year later…
Run Luau Run 
I love the honesty of your post. It’s good that you vent these things. It’s ok to feel that way, all of them. I’m glad you are safe. It was a terrible tragedy and a despicable act of cowardice. But it hasn’t stopped so many. Do what you need to do, do what is right for you. There’s no need to feel guilty about these very human emotions. I’m sending you a big supportive hug from Scotland!
Thank you GRW!
I, too, appreciate your honesty and I think everything you said and feel is completely justified. I have a friend going through a bad breakup and although it feels like a cliché, I keep repeating to him “the only way out is through” as in — push away feelings that for whatever reason you don’t believe you should be feeling and you don’t get anywhere. But please let running (eventually, in some way) work its magic on you again. In time …..