Babies make me cry. They really do. They often make Brooke cry because she has an incredibly difficult time tolerating the piercing sounds that come out of those tiny creatures. I know they make some adults cry for the same reason.
But for me, I cry for a very different reason. When I see a baby I can’t help but be brought back in time, nearly 9 1/2 years ago when Brooke was the same age, laying in her crib, sitting in my lap, flopped over in her carseat.
I would look at her in the same way I would look at Katie when she was that age – I would look at her knowing that the possibilities were endless for this beautiful creature that lay before me.
I would play the next 10 to 15 years out in my head; a beautiful fairy tale; sisters who were best friends; soccer games; competitive gymnastics; stage productions; the mayor and future mayor of their school; loads of friends, parties and play dates; straight A students; the talk of the town…
Of course, life threw us a curveball.
…now I watch as gaggles of chatty girls go by; play dates and parties are rare occasions; the soccer games don’t exist and the gymnastics is more for fun; the sisters struggle with each other (though they most definitely love each other)…
***
Truth is, our futures, no matter who you are, rarely turn out the way we imagine they will. Autism, however, didn’t just nudge us on to a different path…it landed us in a completely different dimension of space-time.
We’ve made our way; we’ve found joy, sometimes even in the face of sadness; we’ve managed to relentlessly push forward, even when it feels like we are sliding backward. We struggle, just like so many, but we that is okay.
It is nothing like what I was expecting; I don’t think I even had a conceptual understanding of what lay before me.
…and that is why, when I see a baby, I cry.
3…
2…
1…
…nearly 10 years ago…
Run Luau Run 
What to say ….. what to say ….. what to say ……. coming up pretty blank here b/c these words & associated pics are so powerful. One of my young friends was adopted from the Ukraine and was somewhere on the spectrum and babies were DEFINITELY one of her triggers. It must have been torture (in the context of ….. I knew her from the church nursery). Anyway — I guess the best I can do is thank you as always for your candor. And for those 31 miles this weekend ….. in advance. 🙂
HI, I read your blog but don;t really comment. that post really touched me. I totally get it. Its just sad sometimes isn’t it, my daughter is 5 (asd). I have 2 girls too. My other little lady is 4. I’m not sure what my expectations were sometimes when I think back, but I do know it is nothing like what I imagined when I had my beautiful little girl in hospital and I just stared at her for days not believing I had at last gotten everything I had ever wished for. It really is strange sometimes and almost hard to believe the life we now live and how its become ‘normal’ to us! Then sometimes I wonder did I always know on some level when I look at her and can’t imagine my beautiful little girl any different than she is. But sometimes wishing that things were just a bit easier for her (and the rest of us!!) Thx for great blog – Kats in Dublin
Nothing more special than the love of a father. Beautiful.
Oh, man. Got me again.
This post made me cry. For me it’s looking back on pictures of him as a baby. The huge smiles, the amazing eye contact and then I start to see the change in the pictures, yet I didn’t see it at the time. So then I get mad at myself for not seeing what is so damn clear in those pictures. And of course all the other stuff you said,the visions of playdates,birthday parties and best friends..sigh…you got me on an emotional day;)
She is, perhaps not what you envisioned, but she’s always been (from day one) a magnificent baby and child. She is well-loved by all of us!
Love you,
Mom
Love you.