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I stare at the television, hardly paying attention to the cards in my hand. Are we playing Hold ‘Em? Guts? I’m not too sure. The TV is tuned to the Classic Rock Music channel. On the screen is a picture of David Gilmour from the band Pink Floyd. I listen to his music and think, “I could have been musician.”
But I’m not.
I started to think of all the things I wanted to be, but am not. Doctor. Actor. Master of the Universe. Trainer and gym owner. I am none of those things. When the roadblocks of life got in the way, I never pushed back hard enough to achieve those goals. I made the excuse that if I wasn’t pushing, I obviously didn’t want it. Now, at the age of 41, I wonder, “what if?”
I know that the “what if” game is a common one, especially for people my age and older, but it feels like mine goes a little deeper than that. I look back and realize that I let opportunity go by so many times – in college, after college. There were moments where I could have (should have?) zigged, but instead I zagged – more often than not because it was the path of least resistance. Life (my life) is full of opportunities lost, chances not taken, changes not made.
I hope I have been a good son, an adequate husband and a decent father, but I wonder if they could have had better.
I wonder if that is one of the reasons I run like I do.
In running I finally found something that when I got pushed (through injury or bonking), I found a way to push back. I was able to take adversity and knock it on its ass. Still, I can’t help but wonder if running has become a last-ditch effort to validate myself – to convince myself that the boy that I was would be okay with , if not proud of, the man I have become.
No, I will never be an elite runner, I will never qualify for the Olympic trials, I will never get financially rich off of running, but hard work and perseverance has made me a marathoner and a Boston Qualifier. The results have been tangible. In qualifying for Boston, I have, in the eyes of some, made it to the promised land.
As I try to figure out what it is that I will become when I grow up (yes, I know I’m 41), I will hold on to this buoy, training my eyes on the horizon. I hope that the next time opportunity sails close by, I have the wisdom to see it and the courage to hop on board.
Run Luau Run 
What a thought provoking post! Not sure what’s going on internally for you now, but something has been stirred to elicit all the emotions/questions mentioned above. I don’t think you are giving yourself enough credit by stating the adequate-decent adjectives used to describe you as husband and father respectively. Jess would surely argue the point as well. But I get it. We always wonder “if” we are doing enough, or doing the “right” things in life. You are Luau, you are.
As for becoming this or that, well I did go back to school in my 40’s and get an additional degree, nothing saying you can’t either, you just have to want it bad enough to make “it” happen. You know who I always quote,
KG, “Anything is possible”. You, Brooke, Aidan, even me has shown that to be true.
i really respect this post. many times it’s hard to be honest in writing about regrets, and the effects these regrets may have on your running, but whether they are ignored or acknowledged, they still exist. i am by no means a fast runner or a Boston-qualifier, but like you, running is a way i can prove to myself that i have some sort of control over my life when things aren’t always working out like i had planned or i’m wondering, “what if?”
Running helps me to celebrate the present moment and to leave all the regrets and doubts and worries behind me on the road so that I can make each finish line a starting line. Love you Luau – you rock!
“I hope that the next time opportunity sails close by, I
have the wisdom to see it and the courage to hop on board.” Me too
Luau. Me too. Today’s post hits painfully close to home.
I agree with you and Stu… Thank you! 🙂
I really appreciate the candor you shared here, Luau, and if it’s any consolation, I suspect for every one of us commenting there are ten or fifteen (or more) people who saw themselves in this post and did not comment.
I know someone who is in our age range (I am 46) who overtly says, “Yep, I am putting my time in at [name of employer] and then I am retiring. I just want to get done.”
At the risk of sounding naive, I want just the opposite. I do regret the times I could have/should have jumped on an opportunity but with the exceptions of some things that are ruled out by biology (having more biological children, for example), I feel like I am JUST STARTING.
A sort of opposite side of this coin for me is that when it all comes down to it, I want to be a mom. My kids are 14 and 11 and except for sick days and exceptions here and there, every single weekday of their childhoods they have been dropped off somewhere or cared for/instructed by someone else than me. I was so far down the financial obligation road by the time I had them that short of blowing off the people I owed money to (which would have set a pretty darned bad example for them), continuing to work was the only option I saw.
When I run (and increasingly, when I do yoga), my mind has the opportunity to try to make sense out of all of the accumulated experiences – and to use that wisdom and insight to make the best of the journey that lies ahead … you know, the one we’re JUST STARTING.