Posts Tagged ‘Harold Camping’

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So with Harold Camping telling us that the Apocalypse is 5 months away and that Judgement Day did in fact happen on May 21st, I’m left to wonder, were any of us saved?

Camping came to the date using the numbers 17, 10 and 5; 17 representing heaven, 10 representing completeness and 5 representing atonement.

Well, I have a theory. I think that some of us were in fact saved. Just like Camping used religiously inspired writings to determine the exact date, I have used my own religious sources to determine that if Judgment Day did in fact happen and if the Rapture and the Apocalypse are going to happen on October 21 then it is obvious who is among the saved.

If you look at any painting depicting the Rapture (go ahead, Google it), you will notice one thing in particular – every person rising up to Heaven has a runner’s body. Therefore, one can assume that if you are a runner, you have a pretty good shot at being called up.

Need more proof?  Here are a few more numbers to chew on. We keep hearing that it is estimated that 10 – 15% of the “believers” will be saved. We also keep hearing that the number of those saved will be approximately 200,000,000 people.  There are about 1.6 billion people in the world who run to some degree (courtesty of Yahoo!). If we take the average of 10 – 15% we get 12.5%. Guess what 12.5% person 1.6 billion is?

You guessed it, 200,000,000!

More proof?  According to Christopher McDougall, our species was “born to run”.  Therefore, it is how God made us.

So, to stay pure, we must run.

Still not sure?  Let’s get back to Camping’s numbers – 17, 10 and 5.

If you add 17 and 10 you get the approximate distance of a marathon. Many first-time marathoners will tell you that “completing” (10) a marathon has a euphoric, almost “heavenly” (17) feel to it. This distance is, according to some scientists, the average distance ancient persistence hunters may have had to travel to chase down their prey, usually within a 5 hour stretch.

Get it? The answer, just like Camping’s “indisputable” mathematical proof is so obviously clear: if you have run a marathon in under 5 hours, you will/have been saved.

If you qualify, you are part of the R-un-apture and you will be let into Heaven.  If not, get to work – according to my sources, there is an extension for those willing to run a marathon before October 21st…but you better do it in under 5 hours, otherwise you will be forced to suffer the Runocalypse.

a la NYCM's I'm In Stickers

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