Dear Brother,
We are not wired for this. Our problem solving skills do not match up well with this unexpected challenge that has been unexpectedly thrust upon us.
What do you mean it can’t be fixed?
What do you mean there is no cure?
I know exactly how you feel. Even though my head knows better, my heart still wants to fix it…fix her, just like I know you want to fix him.
It is what we do as men – we fix things. If something is broken, we fix it. If we can’t fix it, we probably know someone who knows someone who can. Flat tire, broken hose, leaky pipe? No problem, pass the tools. If it’s something bigger? Pass the phone, I know a guy…
***
Dear Brother,
This is different. Our kids aren’t machines. It took me some time to come to the realization that our kids aren’t broken; they are simply different. Can that difference make life harder? Yeah, right now it can; but difference, whether it be race, gender, orientation, height, weight or autism can do that.
But different doesn’t mean bad.
***
Dear Brother,
Don’t be afraid of labels. It took me time to realize that when Brooke received her autism diagnosis, she was still the same girl she was before the doctor said, “autism”. The label doesn’t change our kids dear brother. In fact, the label empowers them…empowers us. The label gives us a powerful tool in helping our kids get the services they need. The label can turn resentment of strangers into compassion, helping them understand that when our kids have public meltdowns, it’s not because they are bratty or that we are bad parents, but rather because the environment has overwhelmed our kids’ capacity to cope. The label is not about pigeon holing our kids…it’s about setting them free.
***
Dear Brother,
It takes time for us to get to the place where our kids’ mothers are. Truthfully, we will never occupy the same space. We are not wired the way they are. Intellectually we will know, but a small part of our hearts will always betray us. But that’s okay. Just like our kids, we are different.
Autism is part of who our babies are. Admitting that doesn’t change them. Admitting that doesn’t hurt them. Admitting that doesn’t mean you love your kid any less. Admitting that doesn’t mean you will stop searching for ways to make his life easier. In fact, admitting that will in all likelihood hasten the influx of tools that are available to you, your wife, and most importantly, your son.
***
Dear Brother,
It’s okay to feel the way you do…it is how we are wired, but ultimately, denial only hurts the one, beautiful creature we are trying to protect.
Sincerely & Respectfully,
Luau
Run Luau Run 
Yes, of course — well said.
As much as a diagnosis of any disability can be overwhelming and crushing, I feel that the diagnosis of a boy is much harder on the father. Not that it isn’t extremely difficult when it’s a daughter, of course it is, but fathers tend to dream of all of the things they will do with their son as he gets older, fishing, baseball, star football player….. I’ve spoken to many fathers and as much as the mother is devastated, the father tends to take it far worse. Hopefully they will (and do) come to understand that yes, maybe some of these things will not come to pass but many of them still can and do.
Well put!
Vickie….this is so true. I see it in Joe’s eyes when he doesn’t know I’m looking.
Beautifully said.
This is perfectly timed. My husband *knows* this on many levels, but he struggles mightily with being ok about not being able to “fix” things for our son. He needs to know he’s not alone in this struggle. Thanks.
Breath-taking. I am going to share this with my husband. He is autistic, too. And, he has two autistic children. This will make so much sense to him.
Well said really leaves a lot to think about.
This is so well done, Luau.
Love you,
Mom
[…] https://runluaurun.com/2013/08/20/dear-brother/ – a blog I came across the other day about dads of kids on the spectrum […]