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It’s days like yesterday that I run with a certain feeling of regret – the pseudo-holidays – the days where the kids are home from school but Jess has to go to work. I despise them.
***
I finished at the top of my class at what was probably THE top high school (public or private) in Florida at the time. I was number one; valedictorian. Because of that I got into and enrolled in a top-ten college. The future was mine.
Over the next four years, much if it spent chasing girls and drinking beer, I proceeded to finish college near the bottom of my class. Out of nearly 1,100 graduates, I was probably somewhere around 1,000th. I left my school on the hill with no solid plan for my future.
***
I was chastising Katie yesterday morning. In retrospect, I wonder if I was chastising myself, my past – that kid that had so much potential but ended up letting it slip away.
***
Days like yesterday fill me with regret – regret that I didn’t study more; regret that I didn’t think ahead more; regret that I didn’t DO more. If I had, what would I be today? A doctor? A business owner? A working filmmaker? Whatever I would have become, I know I had the potential to be earning an income that might have some of the Occupy Wallstreet people using the hashtag #occupyLuau’shouse.
To be sure, income isn’t the end all be all. Far from it. But it buys one options. It gives one, or more importantly, one’s family, opportunities. If I had only taken a different path I could have given Jess the option, the opportunity of being home on days like yesterday.
And I would switch places with Jess in a heartbeat – not because I am tired of being a stay-at-home parent, but because I know how much she would like to be at home, spending time with the girls, even though in reality, with the kids in school, most of the days would be spent alone…cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, dropping off dry cleaning, returning purchases…
During the normal course of the week, I don’t think about it much, but these psuedo-holidays kill me.
Why didn’t I take a different path?
***
But here’s the rub – if I had, I may not have joined my fraternity, and not met certain brothers who would have made my move to New York City in ’96 possible, where I wouldn’t have had my apartment, where Jess would have never crashed a party I was throwing (a story for another day…).
No wasting the college experience, no Jess, no Katie and Brooke, no autism, no advocacy…no blue hair this coming Thursday and quite possibly no running and no Run Luau Run.
Except for the no autism part, that sounds like a pretty crappy deal to me.
And so I come back to why it is only a certain amount of regret I run with. The choices I have made in my life have brought me to where I am. I can’t help but feel I have disappointed many from the first 20 years of my life – it is always with me; expectations were high. Until recently, I had not done much to make a dent in the world or make it a better place – and with that knowledge, regret followed me.
But I would argue that the last couple of years, though on a small-scale, I’ve managed to put a dent into the greater consciousness, helping bring autism awareness to places where it might not normally pop up. Have I lived up to the promise of that 18-year old superstar? Not even a little.
But maybe, as I enter the second act of my life, maybe I’m just a late bloomer; maybe 42 is the new 22; maybe NOW (or this Thursday when my hair goes blue) is when I rise and finally throw off the yoke of regret and realize I am where I am supposed to be.
In the meantime, I think Supertramp had me in mind when they wrote this:
So you think you’re a Romeo
playing a part in a picture-show
Take the long way home
Take the long way home
Cuz you’re the joke of the neighborhood
Why should you care if you’re feeling good
Take the long way home
Take the long way home
But there are times that you feel you’re part of the scenery
all the greenery is comin’ down, boy
And then your wife seems to think you’re part of the
furniture
oh, it’s peculiar,
she used to be so nice.
When lonely days turn to lonely nights
you take a trip to the city lights
And take the long way home
Take the long way home
You never see what you want to see
Forever playing to the gallery
You take the long way home
Take the long way home
And when you’re up on the stage, it’s so unbelievable,
unforgettable, how they adore you,
But then your wife seems to think you’re losing your sanity,
oh, calamity,
is there no way out?
Does it feel that you life’s become a catastrophe?
Oh, it has to be,
for you to grow, boy.
When you look through the years and see what you could
have been
oh, what might have been,
if you’d had more time.
So, when the day comes to settle down,
Who’s to blame if you’re not around?
You took the long way home
You took the long way home………..
Run Luau Run 
I understand and relate to a lot of what you say here. At 46, I keep wondering about the fact that half of my life (or a little more) is behind me. I do have a 15 year old and a 12 year old (and an intact marriage of 19 years) to show for it but there’s so much more. My husband sometimes goes on a riff of “we’ve had our turn now we need to help our kids’ dreams come true” and I obviously want to support their dreams but I don’t think that has to be at the expense of continuing to try to make my own “dent.” Thanks for your candid thoughts.
Never regret, never. And for the record I have had similiar thoughts, who hasn’t? But all parts of yesterday lead to a grateful day today.
I have said this before, your posts lately have taken a different (never less) tone and they boy do they resonate. Thank-you!
Many look back with some regrets, who hasn’t? But you are moving forward every day… some of the top people in the world are skidding backwards as their choices are not optimal in present day – but you are moving obstacles and making a difference for so many. Keep those great memories of the college at the top of the hill – but know that NOW, you are moving MOUNTAINS. Great post! (too bad there is no 4:00 class today or I would have told you in person 🙂 ~ Cristin
Great post Luau. It is easy to look back and woulda coulda shoulda ourselves but in the end, would we really give up what we have today? Glad you can see that for yourself though. It is the ones who don’t see that that make the mistake of thinking they can go back and re-live it. I think that is what leads to mistresses and too expensive sport cars.
Right there with you as I chase little people and wipe crayon off the walls. What if? It’s why at 39 years old I’ll walk into a college classroom for the first time. I can’t change Boy Wonder to fit the world but I can change some small slice of the world to fit Boy Wonder.
Excellent post, Luau–how refreshing to hear one’s honest opinion.
I have to say, now that I’m part of the “over 40” crowd, I’ve been living my life with my motto as “no regrets”. I recently re-connected with an old friend from high-school and it was very sad to hear him talk about the ‘irony’ of his life–how he’s now living a life that he doesn’t enjoy all because of some poor decisions made years ago. I just couldn’t live that way. I’d rather not spend my time regretting past decisions, and instead find the positive aspects of my life and make the most of that. I think you’ve gotten there, too–no regrets, Luau. We make decisions and can’t “un-make” them. We have to make the best of what we’ve got because of our past decisions and try to see what positives they’ve brought us along the way. And this is a lesson I’m willing to teach my children. They, too, will make decisions and will have to live with the outcomes. Do it all with no regrets. . . that’s the best we can hope for.
i do this, too. far too often, at certain times of the year. but then i recall that i am the sum total of all of my experiences, and all in all, it ain’t half bad!
and wow, you are 42? i hope i look half as good when i am…oh, wait, i am already 42….shit.
that Supertramp song is very nostalgic. i think it is one of the first songs i ever made from LP into cassette; by placing a tape recorder next to my record player. good times…….
You took the scenic route, the road less travelled, to get to today. And if you hadn’t, countless numbers of lives would be different. Including mine.
You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Because of all of those circumstances you met Jess. And I met both of you.
It’s overwhelming to think how such a tiny thing as leaving the house ten minutes later in the morning can alter the entire course of your life, but it can. We are all connected. And I’m grateful for the person you are today. Truly grateful. You are an inspiration, Luau. You are. Believe that please. One day, in person, with more coffee in my brain I will explain it better. Just know that while you may beat yourself up right now, I cherish you and your incredible wife.
an amazing post, and one that I bet was really hard to write and re-read. I get this. same thing here – top of class, full college scholarship, etc. And now I’m home raising my boys, with not much tangible to show for it.
But like others have said here, and you have said many times, life is a marathon and not a sprint. Perhaps it’s even like the Vermont 50. You and Jess have taught me that there will be points during this race when you will need to slow down, run a little differently, talk to the spectators and take pictures along the way. We can all play the what if game (what if I didn’t stop at that water stop, or what if I didn’t take that bathroom break…) but the truth is…all that matters is that you get to smile coming across the finish line.
Your girls…they are amazing. Your home is loving, comfortable, and safe. You are a team player with your wife and partner. For many, that’s a goal that they’ll never achieve.
(and that Supertramp song? One of my all time favorites. I played “Breakfast in America ” over and over and over again. There is nothing wrong with taking the long way home.)
I was told at a ridiculously young age that I was ‘the smartest one’ in our family of seven. Genius I.Q. and other meaningless standards – I never graduated high school. Oh, I went back to college. A few different times. Made the Dean’s List, joined the Honor Society. I was told to move on to Yale or Harvard. But I never finished. I had babies instead. I had diapers to change, I had little people to shape and send out to the world.
I have felt the way you have countless times. Countless.
I USED to.
I do not burden myself with that nonsense any longer. I am what I am. I wipe poop some days, I name federal legislation for military families on other days – (those are REALLY good days). And I still want to be a cop helping people, making $45K if I’m lucky. And who knows? Maybe I’ll get there when the time is right.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be – right now.
So are YOU. Right now. No regrets, Luau. Just enthusiasm and excitement for planning what’s next! Seize every moment of ‘you time’ now when you can – like the rest of us. Relish every moment of simple fun from the past, every challenging moment as a father and every accomplishment that lies in front of you when you look around at what you have created so far – that beautiful family of yours.
More to come. So much more to come. Stop running in search of what’s missing, and instead run in celebration for all you have.
Your babies are young still. You are young still. Dream big. For you, not just for your babies. Dream big for what YOU can bring to yourself in the future. Set the example for your kids that you are worth it. Dream big for what you and that gorgeous wife will have in the future together. Dream big for the little things in life that bring you joy.
Then GO. Quit your whining and make it happen. We ALL believe in you. It’s YOUR turn to do the same.
Oh, Luau. So many commenters have said so many very wise words. And yet, I get it. I turned 48 this year and I look around and wonder “what happened?” There are days the weight of regrets bring me to my knees. But those days are balanced by the ones filled with such intense joy and pride that, well, it all kind of evens out.
I am a firm believer that things happen for reasons we cannot see or know until we have the benefit of hindsight. Maybe your regretful run is merely a catalyst for a slight course change. You’re (we’re!) still young enough to enjoy so much more of life ahead, be it careers when the children are older/better/different/whatever or simply finding new things to occupy our minds and hearts that is just.for,us.
Wishing you a lighter heart and seeing yourself through the eyes of so very many people who see the passionate, caring, committed man you are. May your life be long and full enough for you to dream new dreams and make them real.
One of your best posts ever, Luau. Life takes the turns it was meant to take, and all we can control is what we do going forward. Yesterday’s news wraps today’s fish – whether phenomenally successful, or less than we hoped for, the slate is clean starting each and every day. Thanks for that reminder.
It’s not too late. If you want more, go for it. I know it’s a difficult balance when your kids need you so much (I know) but there’s still a you in there, and it’s ok to change your course.
I read this right before heading out the door to volunteer at my son’s school and had to come right back and read it again first thing when I walked back in the door 3 hours later.
Because I can relate. “I could have done more” or “I could be doing more” is something that has plagued me lately. “What do I do now?” is a common thought as I drift off to sleep at night.
The thing that stands out to me after reading your thoughts again is that even though you say you haven’t lived up to your 18 year old superstar promise–you have. You are wise in a way that you would never have been if not for the choices you have made. It doesn’t sound like much when you compare it to money and power, but I think it’s bigger, because as you move into the next phases of your life, you will do more with what you know.
I am overwhelmed by your responses. Thank you so much. I am not sure how to put into words my appreciation.
I think that in the end, my only true regret is that I cannot, at this point anyway, give Jess the opportunity to switch places with me.
Thank you for your support; thank you for your kind words.
I don’t know you well…only online and a couple meetups at Boston, but regret is not a word I would use with you. You strike me as a guy with a full life who has the ability to have a strong impact on others. Hold your head high and keep doing what you’re doing. Go blue! You rock!
I agree that 42 is the new 22 but I disagree that you haven’t changed the world. You’re a good man & I’m grateful we all have you in our lives.
Love you,
Mom
After reading all these comments, I’m speechless. Great post. I regret not reading this earlier.