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After my run this morning, like any obsessed runner I went over to the computer, before showering, to upload my run data. As my stats wirelessly uploaded from my new toy (the Garmin 610), I manually entered my run into dailymile and then meandered over to Facebook to see what my far-flung friends were up to. I can across some pictures of a dear friend who had recently taken a trip with her family to North Carolina. Though we have not seen each other in what has to be over a decade, I have always felt a certain closeness to her and her husband. Simply put, they are good people.
As I scanned through her album, I got lost in the joy and apparent ease their children and her husband’s brother’s children had with each other. It seemed so…easy. I have to admit that there is a part of me that is jealous of what they have.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade Brooke for anything, and quite honestly, if someone walked up to me right now and offered me a pill that would “cure” her autism, I’m not sure what it is I would do. That being said, I wish it was easier for her. I wish that social interaction and connection were not something that she just doesn’t quite get. I wish that Katie didn’t have to feel embarrassed when Brooke made awkward social bids. I wish that I didn’t have the mindset that I have to anticipate some of those awkward bids and feel the need to cut them off at the pass. I wish, I wish, I wish…
Everybody has issues. Everybody has problems. I listen to the local moms complain about this and that. Some of them feel silly to me, but the truth is, their problems are real to them. Everybody has issues. Everybody has problems.
Ours are just different.
I just sometimes wish they weren’t.
Me too.
love you.
Before showering? Of course! Is there any other time to log that stuff in?!
I know there is no “solution” or “answer” you are seeking with the rest of your post, but just a word to let you know we’re out here, supporting you and your family. We wish it was easier and less painful too.
I understand completely. I had a similar ‘jealous’ moment yesterday when a friend posted pics of her and her family at the beach–everyone all happy and smiling. If I were to go to the beach, I’d have to have a contingency plan for my son, plan to go for only a short while, have to expect the unexpected, be prepared for ‘not-so-great’ behavior, figure out foods he’ll eat there, etc etc. My friend can just pack up her family and go! But, I guess families with a member with autism have learned to roll with the punches. We’re going to a small, local beach today so my son can experience it and enjoy it as long as he wants to. If he wants to be done in an hour or half-hour that’s fine–I’ll be home in ten minutes and won’t be ‘upset’ that I paid $25 on parking just to leave a little while later due to his wanting to go home, behavior, etc. Wish us luck. I’m taking the kids to the zoo on Friday…I’m hoping he’ll enjoy it, but I’ve already told my daughter that we may not get to see every attraction b/c of his short attention span. I’m hoping he suprises us (as he sometimes does!) and is good, cooperative, and enjoys it. But, I always have that contingency plan and hope…
Me 3.
I get this a hundred times over. I would never change my son. But I do see how easy it is for others, and wish for that too.
Sending love ❤
What a beautiful heartfelt blog post Luau. Thank you! I know the feeling – I wouldn’t trade everything I have been through for anything but some days I wish it weren’t so hard. But then I realize that I can feel joy and gratitude to the depths of my soul and appreciate life in a way that perhaps if things were not so hard I wouldn’t be able to. Love you!
What a beautiful post. You are correct in that discomfort is relative and everybody’s pain is real. You handle yours with such Grace, that it inspires me to put mine into perspective.
You are definitely not alone in those thoughts. I was just at a birthday party on Sunday and my daughter kept attacking her little sister so viciously that I couldn’t even protect her. I ended up having to pick her up and carry her to the car and leave. Her little sister stayed behind. I wanted to cry on the way home because this is not the first time I had to leave. Helen was clearly upset about leaving and kept telling me “turn left” to turn around but I couldn’t trust that she had herself in control enough to behave. The last time I tried she just went right back to her bad behavior. It breaks my heart every time. It’s rare that an outing goes without incident. It is rare that her little sister is left feeling hurt either physically or mentally by Helen. I know that if there was a cure I would be in line.
We are on vacation right this very second and I have to say, while Aidan is doing well overall, there are times that he struggles with the sensory overload and make funny sounds that irks his brother and honestly me too. I see other children with autism here and of course we mom’s have connected. It’s nice to have commonalites with other parents, unspoken words and “I get it” moments are comforting.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish for that pill, easier living would be so nice bout now. I’m not that good of person Luau, clearly I still have a ways to go:)
I know and me too. Xo
You just spoke my mind.. Hugs
it’s a very human sentiment. so poignant. xo
You couldn’t put it more plainly – yet it is so vitally important for others to understand – we ALL have something that we wish upon.
Mightily.
my lila has her issues as well, but i feel blessed and lucky as all get out becuase she is normally a very behaved autism princess. she’s nonverbal so she does make different noises and babbles and such. but she does have her days where i do get to the point where i do scream out loud and i don’t care who is around, that stress HAS to be let go, and it’s not just my princess either. her NT brother gets into it too(he’s 1.5 yrs and she’s 3). we’re going to try the zoo next week and see how it goes. she loves animals and she loves water, so we’re trying the beach too to see how she likes it.
i just wish my girl could talk, everything else is minor to that. i just want to hear my little girl say ‘i love you’ and mean it.
Me too. Love you both (well, love all 4 of you) 🙂
The first thing I do post-run is plug in my Garmin. Totally normal.
Different scenario, same idea…it always boggles my mind when I come off working a shift at work and people are outraged because their coffee order is wrong (or something similar). I want to tell them how lucky they are, but in their minds, the messed up coffee is a big deal.
That say “the grass isnt always greener on the other side” is soooo true!!!Some of my friends, who aren’t close to me think i have it easy…HA…so wrong! I always tell people i was born to conquer, survive, prosper, no matter what life throws at me and i wish the same for everyone! I live by this for me and my kids! Growing up i remember being so envious of my classmates lives, their nice clothes, their lunch…i wish i knew where my next meal was going to come from, that child abuse did not exist! You’re a strong person in many ways Luau, i like that about you!
[…] beautiful daughters, Katie and Brooke. Brooke has autism. You can read the original post of, ‘I Wish,’ […]
What a beautiful post. One I can relate too.
Stopping by from Autism Speaks blog. Happy to have discovered your page.